Poll: For President, Americans Prefer Cheaters, Druggies over Atheists

WASHINGTON – A new poll conducted by the Pew Research Center shows that Americans would overwhelmingly prefer that a presidential candidate be a drug user or a philanderer, rather than an atheist. Asked why drug use or marital infidelity is preferable to not believing in God, many of the poll’s respondents agreed that “substance abuse and cheating are part of the American character, but nonbelief is unacceptable.”

The poll, which also found that military service is the most valued trait in a presidential candidate, showed that more than half of American voters would be less likely to vote for a presidential candidate if he or she were an admitted atheist.

By contrast, only 35 percent of voters would hold an extramarital affair against a candidate, and less than a quarter would withhold their vote because of a candidate’s history of marijuana use.

“It’s one thing to have fooled around on your wife and maybe snorted a little blow off a hooker’s boob,” said Bob Kalen, one of the poll’s 1,501 respondents. “But to seriously entertain the notion that there is not an omnipotent prime mover responsible for the existence of the universe—well, that’s just unforgivable.”

Confirming the results of another study conducted by the University of Minnesota—which found that atheists are the most distrusted minority in America—many of the people polled by the Pew Center said they would even prefer a Muslim presidential candidate over an atheist. “Muslims may be worshipping the wrong god,” said Terry Janet of Houston. “But at least I understand their thinking. I’d rather the president turn America into a Muslim caliphate than not attend mass on Sundays, which would be simply disrespectful.”

Other Americans apparently worry that without religion, a president would not have the moral compass necessary to guide the nation.

“Without God, there is literally nothing to stop a president from cannibalizing the nation’s children one by one,” noted Kevin Moore of Erie, Pennsylvania. “And I for one am firmly against cannibalism, especially when it comes to babies.”