NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Sales
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
    • Life Insurance
    • Pet Insurance
    • Renters Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • World

Pontiff-Palooza Final Four Predictions!

  • March 11, 2013
  • NewsLo
  • No comments
  • 2 minute read
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

Africa: Cardinal Peter Turkson (Ghana)
After fending off a surprising run by an unnamed African Woman, Cardinal Turkson emerged with the upper hand in the token African bracket. Because come on, a Pope from Africa? Really? That would have most of the Erasmus’s rolling over in their graves.

Americas: Archbishop Odilo Pedro Scherer (Brazil)
Archbishop Scherer is just the sort of outsider the Vatican is looking for to make everyone forget just about everything the Church has done wrong in the past couple of decades or so. He’s such an outsider, we didn’t even initially have him in the bracket. But his write-in campaign was both persistent and amusing, as his supporters made some really great Pro-Scherer LOLCats.

Europe: Bishop Angelo Scola (Italy)
The insider’s insider. Scola is best thought of as the Dick Cheney of the Catholic Church: He’s always been there, he’ll always be there, and he’ll probably end up Pope even if he isn’t officially the Pope. If you know what we mean.

Asia and Oceana: Stephen Colbert (Guam)
After being shoved aside in his own bracket, Colbert wisely uprooted his roots and found a willing US Protectorate to take him in the island ‘nation’ of Guam. Unfortunately, even though Colbert is an avid campaigner and owns an encyclopedic knowledge of Papal trivia, the Cards are stacked against him for the simple reason that he’s married.

 

South Regional (Africa)

  1. Cardinal Peter Turkson (Ghana) (4/1)
  2. Cardinal Wilfrid Napier (South Africa) (33/1) (has a twitter account)
  3. Barack H. Obama (Kenya) (37/1) (a tossup)
  4. Cardinal Francis Arzine (Nigeria) (40/1)
  5. Joseph Kony (Uganda) (75/1)
  6. Dikembe Mutombo (Congo) (87/1) (NO, NO, NO)
  7. Ironic Pope (2,400/1)
  8. A woman (3,000,000,000,000/1)
West Regional (the Americas)

  1. Cardinal Timmy Dolan (U.S.) (20/1)
  2. Stephen Colbert —  (U.S.) (20/1)
  3. Cardinal Marc Ouellet (Canada) (No shot he’s friggin Canadian)
  4. Mike Bloomberg (U.S.) (29/1)  (Is it for sale?)
  5. Mitt Romney – (U.S.) (33/1) (I’ll be whatever you like)
  6. Cardinal Sean O’Malley (U.S.) (33/1)  (Hasn’t updated his Linkedin profile)
  7. Cardinal Norberto Rivera Carrera (Mexico) (100/1) (He’s betting on Turkson)
  8. Cardinal Jaime Lucas y Alamina (Cuba) (125/1)
East Regional (Asia, Oceania)

  1. Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle (Philippines) (20/1)
  2. Patriarch Bechara Peter Rai (Who the fuck is this guy)  
  3. Kim Jong-un & Dennis Rodman (39½/1)   
  4. Cardinal George Pell (Australia) (80/1) (Internet’s favorite)
  5. Cardinal Albert Malcolm Ranjith (Sri Lanka) (80/1)
  6. Cardinal Ivan Dias (India) (150/1)
  7. Cinderella Pope (WORLD) (200/1)
  8. A Heterosexual (2,000,000,000/1)
Midwest Regional (Europe, Russia)

  1. Archbishop Angelo Scola (Italy) (2/1)
  2. Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone (Italy) (5/1) (Have you seen this guy’s facebook page)
  3. Vladimir Putin (Russia) (7/1) (3/1 if he’s shirtless)  
  4. Cardinal Phillippe Barbarin (France) (33/1)
  5. Three random Spice Girls (England) (39/1)
  6. Silvio Berlusconi (Italy) (86/1) (He doesn’t believe in marriage either)
  7. Cardinal Karl Lehmann (Germany) (150/1)
  8. Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi (Italy) (Too many Italians)  
Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • best odds to be pope
  • funny popes
  • Pope picking
  • Pope Predictions
  • who will be pope
  • Who will be the next pope?
NewsLo

Previous Article
Terrorists Applaud Relaxed TSA Restrictions 1
  • US

Terrorists Applaud Relaxed TSA Restrictions

  • March 11, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
Next Article
North Korea Declares 1953 Invalid 2
  • World

North Korea Declares 1953 Invalid

  • March 12, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
You May Also Like
donald trump north korea
View Post
  • Featured
  • Latest Lies
  • World
  • World Feature

Donald Trump Promises To Stop “The Crazy Muslims From North Korea”

  • NewsLo
  • September 3, 2017
Trump Announces U.S.-Russia Cyber Security Unit: “Together We’ll Control The World Like In The Good, Old Cold War Days And Make America Great Again” 3
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Announces U.S.-Russia Cyber Security Unit: “Together We’ll Control The World Like In The Good, Old Cold War Days And Make America Great Again”

  • NewsLo
  • July 10, 2017
Kushner Attacks Paris Climate Agreement: “Why Should We Care About What Happens To Paris, We’re In The USA” 4
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Kushner Attacks Paris Climate Agreement: “Why Should We Care About What Happens To Paris, We’re In The USA”

  • NewsLo
  • July 6, 2017
donald trump north korea
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Claims He Built The Panama Canal “To Make America Great Again”

  • NewsLo
  • June 20, 2017
Trump: “Only A Frenchie Can Dismiss Protocol And Try Stupid Macho Games” 5
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump: “Only A Frenchie Can Dismiss Protocol And Try Stupid Macho Games”

  • NewsLo
  • May 29, 2017
Trump Warns Arabs To Leave “Holy European Land Of Israel” Alone And “Go Back To Asia” 6
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Warns Arabs To Leave “Holy European Land Of Israel” Alone And “Go Back To Asia”

  • NewsLo
  • May 23, 2017
Hot Mic Catches Netanyahu’s Wife Reassuring Trump: “We And The Russians Love You No Matter What The Media Says” 7
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Hot Mic Catches Netanyahu’s Wife Reassuring Trump: “We And The Russians Love You No Matter What The Media Says”

  • NewsLo
  • May 22, 2017
Trump: “The Importance Of Saying ‘Radical Islamic Terror’ Back Then Was Only Because We Had A Suspected Islamic President” 8
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump: “The Importance Of Saying ‘Radical Islamic Terror’ Back Then Was Only Because We Had A Suspected Islamic President”

  • NewsLo
  • May 21, 2017

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.