Pontiff-Palooza Final Four Predictions!

Africa: Cardinal Peter Turkson (Ghana)
After fending off a surprising run by an unnamed African Woman, Cardinal Turkson emerged with the upper hand in the token African bracket. Because come on, a Pope from Africa? Really? That would have most of the Erasmus’s rolling over in their graves.

Americas: Archbishop Odilo Pedro Scherer (Brazil)
Archbishop Scherer is just the sort of outsider the Vatican is looking for to make everyone forget just about everything the Church has done wrong in the past couple of decades or so. He’s such an outsider, we didn’t even initially have him in the bracket. But his write-in campaign was both persistent and amusing, as his supporters made some really great Pro-Scherer LOLCats.

Europe: Bishop Angelo Scola (Italy)
The insider’s insider. Scola is best thought of as the Dick Cheney of the Catholic Church: He’s always been there, he’ll always be there, and he’ll probably end up Pope even if he isn’t officially the Pope. If you know what we mean.

Asia and Oceana: Stephen Colbert (Guam)
After being shoved aside in his own bracket, Colbert wisely uprooted his roots and found a willing US Protectorate to take him in the island ‘nation’ of Guam. Unfortunately, even though Colbert is an avid campaigner and owns an encyclopedic knowledge of Papal trivia, the Cards are stacked against him for the simple reason that he’s married.