Pontiff-Palooza Final Four Predictions!

Africa: Cardinal Peter Turkson (Ghana)
After fending off a surprising run by an unnamed African Woman, Cardinal Turkson emerged with the upper hand in the token African bracket. Because come on, a Pope from Africa? Really? That would have most of the Erasmus’s rolling over in their graves.

Americas: Archbishop Odilo Pedro Scherer (Brazil)
Archbishop Scherer is just the sort of outsider the Vatican is looking for to make everyone forget just about everything the Church has done wrong in the past couple of decades or so. He’s such an outsider, we didn’t even initially have him in the bracket. But his write-in campaign was both persistent and amusing, as his supporters made some really great Pro-Scherer LOLCats.

Europe: Bishop Angelo Scola (Italy)
The insider’s insider. Scola is best thought of as the Dick Cheney of the Catholic Church: He’s always been there, he’ll always be there, and he’ll probably end up Pope even if he isn’t officially the Pope. If you know what we mean.

Asia and Oceana: Stephen Colbert (Guam)
After being shoved aside in his own bracket, Colbert wisely uprooted his roots and found a willing US Protectorate to take him in the island ‘nation’ of Guam. Unfortunately, even though Colbert is an avid campaigner and owns an encyclopedic knowledge of Papal trivia, the Cards are stacked against him for the simple reason that he’s married.


South Regional (Africa)

  1. Cardinal Peter Turkson (Ghana) (4/1)
  2. Cardinal Wilfrid Napier (South Africa) (33/1) (has a twitter account)
  3. Barack H. Obama (Kenya) (37/1) (a tossup)
  4. Cardinal Francis Arzine (Nigeria) (40/1)
  5. Joseph Kony (Uganda) (75/1)
  6. Dikembe Mutombo (Congo) (87/1) (NO, NO, NO)
  7. Ironic Pope (2,400/1)
  8. A woman (3,000,000,000,000/1)
West Regional (the Americas)

  1. Cardinal Timmy Dolan (U.S.) (20/1)
  2. Stephen Colbert —  (U.S.) (20/1)
  3. Cardinal Marc Ouellet (Canada) (No shot he’s friggin Canadian)
  4. Mike Bloomberg (U.S.) (29/1)  (Is it for sale?)
  5. Mitt Romney – (U.S.) (33/1) (I’ll be whatever you like)
  6. Cardinal Sean O’Malley (U.S.) (33/1)  (Hasn’t updated his Linkedin profile)
  7. Cardinal Norberto Rivera Carrera (Mexico) (100/1) (He’s betting on Turkson)
  8. Cardinal Jaime Lucas y Alamina (Cuba) (125/1)
East Regional (Asia, Oceania)

  1. Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle (Philippines) (20/1)
  2. Patriarch Bechara Peter Rai (Who the fuck is this guy)  
  3. Kim Jong-un & Dennis Rodman (39½/1)   
  4. Cardinal George Pell (Australia) (80/1) (Internet’s favorite)
  5. Cardinal Albert Malcolm Ranjith (Sri Lanka) (80/1)
  6. Cardinal Ivan Dias (India) (150/1)
  7. Cinderella Pope (WORLD) (200/1)
  8. A Heterosexual (2,000,000,000/1)
Midwest Regional (Europe, Russia)

  1. Archbishop Angelo Scola (Italy) (2/1)
  2. Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone (Italy) (5/1) (Have you seen this guy’s facebook page)
  3. Vladimir Putin (Russia) (7/1) (3/1 if he’s shirtless)  
  4. Cardinal Phillippe Barbarin (France) (33/1)
  5. Three random Spice Girls (England) (39/1)
  6. Silvio Berlusconi (Italy) (86/1) (He doesn’t believe in marriage either)
  7. Cardinal Karl Lehmann (Germany) (150/1)
  8. Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi (Italy) (Too many Italians)