VATICAN CITY — In a surprise announcement today, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI informed a group of Cardinals that he would be resigning from the Papacy due to advancing age, declining health, and a strong desire to lose his virginity.
Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi told reporters that the announcement caught Vatican officials off guard. “We all knew he was getting up there in age,” said Lombardi of the 85 year-old Pontiff. “But to end the meeting by asking if anyone had the number of a good brothel, that was unexpected.”
“I have given my life to God,” said His Holiness through an interpreter. “Last week, The Lord came to me and told me I had done enough for Him, and that it was time I get my groove on and hide the pickle in some quality poontang.”
“I then asked [Vatican Cardinal] Angelo [Sodano] what all that meant,” he added. “He’s very good with The Google.”
“I was honored when His Holiness asked for my assistance in interpreting a message from The Lord,” said Cardinal Sodano. “Naturally when I saw the result, I was surprised. Though it’s possible God’s true sentiment didn’t translate perfectly from the original Latin.”
Pope Benedict XVI, formerly Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, has long been admired by a legion of young, attractive women who are collectively known as “Benedict’s Babes.” Early on in his reign, it was not an uncommon sight for women to run up to the Popemobile and press their bare breasts against the glass. Vatican security eventually curtailed that practice, forcing the Holy Hopefuls to resort to sexting themselves to random Vatican email addresses in hopes of getting through. Insiders say the Pope took to Twitter in part to spare his staff from receiving these immoral images in their inbox.
“They are very persistent, promiscuous women,” said Greg Burke, another Vatican Spokesman. “I have no doubt in my mind that His Holiness will have a very full social calendar when he steps down. Though I don’t think this is what His doctors had in mind when they implored him to spend more time in bed.”
The last Pope to step down while still technically alive was Pope Gregory XII in 1415. Although history records that he resigned in order to end the Western Schism and save The Church, many historians believe three buxom, dark-haired triplets from Corsica may have played a role.