NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Sales
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
    • Life Insurance
    • Pet Insurance
    • Renters Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • World

Pope Francis Dying to go to Heaven

  • July 24, 2013
  • NewsLo
  • No comments
  • 2 minute read
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil — Sources today confirmed that Pope Francis’s recent bout of risky behavior—including plans to travel through Brazil without the protection of his “pope-mobile”—can be explained by the pontiff’s intense desire to enter heaven “as soon as humanly possible.” The trip to Brazil—during which the pope has already been repeatedly mobbed—is scheduled to last seven days, which may be plenty of time for Francis to shed his mortal coils.

Concerned, some of his closest compatriots have been telling anyone who will listen that the pope may be depressed and is seeking a quick exit from the physical world. “Sure, he strikes a happy, peaceful demeanor in public,” said Cardinal Karlic of Argentina, from which the pope originates. “But only someone who wants to die would expose themselves to the Brazilian hordes. Did you know they recently drew and quartered a soccer referee, and then put his head on a stake? If death is what you’re looking for, Brazil’s the place to find it.”

Others believe that the pope is simply impatient, and wants to reap his otherworldly rewards as soon as possible.

“As pope, he’s already closer to heaven than any other living human being,” Cardinal Oswald Gracias, of Mumbai, said. “He can literally smell it—and, according to him, it smells like bacon chipotle cheeseburgers, just as Jesus promised it would.”

“Who wouldn’t want to speed up their arrival to a place like that?” Gracias said.

The pope has a long history of skirting traditional security measures in order to get closer to regular Catholics, a tendency that earned him the nickname “slum pope” in his native Argentina.

But the pope has been exposed to an unusual amount of danger on his current trip. A riot occurred outside the Presidential Palace while the pope was meeting with President Dilma Rousseff. And on Sunday, a homemade pipe bomb was found in a shrine that the pope is scheduled to visit later this week—which, according to Cardinal Gracias, is “exactly the kind of thing Francis needs.”

“It’s just too bad they found it before he arrived,” Gracias added.

Domenico Giani, head of the Swiss Guard, said that he disagreed with many of the Pope’s orders—and has lobbied for stronger security measures—but that he was unable to sway the Holy See. “I mean, how long can you argue with a man who’s infallible?” Giani said. “Sooner or later you just admit defeat.”

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • News
  • news humor and satire
  • Pope Francis
  • Pope Francis news
  • Pope Francis reckless behavior
  • Pope Francis risky behavior
NewsLo

Previous Article
The Best Responses to Newslo.com 1
  • Blogs
  • Today's Headlines

The Best Responses to Newslo.com

  • July 23, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
Next Article
Virginia Abortion Facilities Deemed 'Structurally Weak, Like Women', Set to Close 2
  • US

Virginia Abortion Facilities Deemed ‘Structurally Weak, Like Women’, Set to Close

  • July 24, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
You May Also Like
donald trump north korea
View Post
  • Featured
  • Latest Lies
  • World
  • World Feature

Donald Trump Promises To Stop “The Crazy Muslims From North Korea”

  • NewsLo
  • September 3, 2017
Trump Announces U.S.-Russia Cyber Security Unit: “Together We’ll Control The World Like In The Good, Old Cold War Days And Make America Great Again” 3
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Announces U.S.-Russia Cyber Security Unit: “Together We’ll Control The World Like In The Good, Old Cold War Days And Make America Great Again”

  • NewsLo
  • July 10, 2017
Kushner Attacks Paris Climate Agreement: “Why Should We Care About What Happens To Paris, We’re In The USA” 4
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Kushner Attacks Paris Climate Agreement: “Why Should We Care About What Happens To Paris, We’re In The USA”

  • NewsLo
  • July 6, 2017
donald trump north korea
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Claims He Built The Panama Canal “To Make America Great Again”

  • NewsLo
  • June 20, 2017
Trump: “Only A Frenchie Can Dismiss Protocol And Try Stupid Macho Games” 5
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump: “Only A Frenchie Can Dismiss Protocol And Try Stupid Macho Games”

  • NewsLo
  • May 29, 2017
Trump Warns Arabs To Leave “Holy European Land Of Israel” Alone And “Go Back To Asia” 6
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump Warns Arabs To Leave “Holy European Land Of Israel” Alone And “Go Back To Asia”

  • NewsLo
  • May 23, 2017
Hot Mic Catches Netanyahu’s Wife Reassuring Trump: “We And The Russians Love You No Matter What The Media Says” 7
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Hot Mic Catches Netanyahu’s Wife Reassuring Trump: “We And The Russians Love You No Matter What The Media Says”

  • NewsLo
  • May 22, 2017
Trump: “The Importance Of Saying ‘Radical Islamic Terror’ Back Then Was Only Because We Had A Suspected Islamic President” 8
View Post
  • Featured
  • World
  • World Feature

Trump: “The Importance Of Saying ‘Radical Islamic Terror’ Back Then Was Only Because We Had A Suspected Islamic President”

  • NewsLo
  • May 21, 2017

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.