VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis admitted today that since his election in March, he had been so busy running the Church that he just now got around to familiarizing himself with its core message and the many public statements it has made over the last two decades – teachings that he ruefully described as “eye-opening,” particularly with regard to what he calls the Church’s “obsession” with abortion and gays.
“First off – mea culpa,” said Francis from the Vatican. “If I’m steering the Church, I should have gotten around to reading official positions right from the start. But it’s a busy job – I’m spending time counseling those who are sick and in prison, reaching out to the poor, plus I’m driving this used ’84 Renault POS that needs to go to the shop twice a week.“
Francis said that he finally had time to peruse official Church teachings and press releases this week, and was disturbed by their narrow scope. “So I’m flipping through this file and taking notes, and it starts off with a long rant about homosexuality. I believe I made myself clear in the Sermon on the Jet, but whatevs. Then it goes into abortion and I’m like ‘OK, sanctity of life – got it’. And then it just goes back and forth between the two. Twenty friggin’ years of ping-ponging between gays and abortion. Who wrote this, a Baptist?”
He also added that while he is all for honoring Church traditions, “a bunch of dudes in long flowing gowns who’ve never been on a date should probably not bring up the topic of gender and sexuality unprovoked.”
Francis said he was also dismayed to learn that the Church sanctions the opening of gifts on Christmas Eve, takes The Da Vinci Code seriously, and expects him to stay at his job until the day he dies.
“Jesu Cristo,” he muttered as he poured himself three fingers of holy wine and popped two communion wafers.
After the press conference, sources close to Francis reported that the pontiff was shocked to learn that the foppishly attired Swiss Guard were not simply there for photos ops with tourists but are in fact charged with protecting his life.