Pope’s Foot Fetish Leaves Traditionalists Weary, Liberals Delighted

VATICAN CITY — Last month’s election of Pope Francis, a celebrated advocate for the poor in his native Argentina, has been met with acclaim by those hoping for change in the Roman Catholic Church. And now, following a visit to a youth detention center during which he washed the feet of two young women, progressive Catholics are viewing his open display of foot-fetishism as a brave step towards the sexual liberation of Catholicism, while traditionalists are becoming gravely concerned about the direction of the Church.

Justin Jones, a 44-year-old construction worker from Long Island, praised the Pope for his open attitude.

“For too long, the Catholic Church has held archaic, irresponsible views on sex. But Pope Francis is a breath of fresh air. It’s nice to know that despite being the most powerful holy leader in the world, he too has kinky, unusual sexual proclivities just like you and I,” said Jones. “And it’s beautiful that he’s comfortable enough with himself to be open about it.”

New York Jets Head Coach and fellow foot fetishist Rex Ryan has also praised Pope Francis for his openness, noting that harboring a sexual attraction to feet is nothing to be ashamed of.

“I mean, the way the toes wiggle. The way they flop around in sandals…They’re clearly the sexiest part of a woman’s body,” said Ryan. “Toes, nails, heels, ankles, arches, man oh man. Call em’ whatever you want. Tootsies, paws… Wait, what was the question again?”

However, Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellett was quick to voice his displeasure with the Pope.

“With all due respect to the Holy Father, his actions last week completely undermine the Church’s well-established position that sex is shameful and should take place joylessly in the missionary position,” said Ouellett. “Washing the feet of young girls is unacceptable behavior for a pontiff, regardless of how sexy those feet may be.”