Grateful Americans Thank Colorado for Attracting the Nation’s Potheads

DENVER – With the nation’s first legal and state-approved marijuana retailers set to open for business in Colorado on January 1, grateful Americans are thanking the Centennial State for attracting the “most annoying and smelly potheads” away from the rest of the country. Experts say that the new retailers—which will sell marijuana for recreational use—have convinced thousands of users to flock to Colorado, and have left the other forty-nine states “virtually devoid of obnoxious hippies and lazy couch potatoes.”

Ben Jacobs, a graduate student in Columbus, Ohio, is one of the hundreds of thousands of Americans who signed an open letter thanking Colorado’s state legislators for their decision. “I have no moral problems with people smoking pot,” Jacobs explained. “But it sure does make them annoying. If I had to listen to one more pothead whine about how alcohol is worse than marijuana and how ridiculous it is that one is legal and the other is not, I might have choked someone.”

“Thankfully, all the heaviest smokers here have transferred to UC Boulder, so I’m in the clear for now,” Jacobs said.

Recreational cultivation, possession and use of marijuana has already been legal in Colorado for over a year, but now eight fully-legal marijuana stores—which will be taxed and regulated by the state—are ready to begin operations in Denver in the new year. The stores will be the first of their kind in the world: legally sanctioned by the state, rather than simply tolerated.

Another American thrilled about Colorado’s new culture of marijuana acceptance is Miriam Thorne, mother of 20-year-old Hunter Thorne. “My son has spent the last five or six years sitting on the couch in our basement, stoned out of his mind,” Thorne said. “No job, no prospects, just Xbox and weed. But Colorado’s decision finally motivated him to get up off our couch and move to Denver, where he’ll hopefully spend his days sitting his lazy ass on somebody else’s couch.”

“Plus, my husband and I can finally convert the basement into a clay studio like we’ve always dreamed,” Thorne added. “It’s all thanks to Colorado.”

Supporters of the move hope that ending marijuana prohibition will generate revenue through taxation, free up law enforcement, and keep non-violent users from facing unnecessary legal problems or imprisonment.

Some residents of Colorado are less thrilled about the move, however. Jeremy Quinn, 52, of Denver says that the clientele at the diner he has owned for fifteen years has “changed dramatically” in the last few weeks. “We’re right next door to one of those stores about to open up,” Quinn explained. “These people have been camping out here, waiting ‘til the first. They’ve been eating like bears, so business is good, but it’s starting to smell like patchouli in here, and it’s scaring away the other customers.”