Pregnant Kate Middleton Ensures Peace and Tranquility for Small Island Kingdom

LONDON — The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, revealed earlier this week that she is pregnant with her first child, a milestone that has been received by the people of England with the fervor of a fragile, monarchic state that has been teetering on the brink of collapse for decades.

“We need an heir,” political analyst John Hodge explained, citing a fear shared by many in the United Kingdom. “If Prince William were to die without siring a crown prince, it would lead to serious constitutional instability. Think of Bloody Sunday or the Brixton riots all over again. It would be nightmarish: heads rolling through Piccadilly Circus, blood running down the London Eye. Leaderless, lawless, we would see anarchy in the UK.”

While the royal pregnancy should provide the country with some degree of political and economic security, the contents of the Duchess’s womb will not necessarily save the crown from being seized by power-hungry relatives. Desire to rule the largest empire in the world has for hundreds of years inspired usurpers of the crown to commit murder and infanticide, and once sparked the creation of an entirely new religion.

“We would rather avoid another Richard the Third situation up in here,” Hodge acknowledged. “After all, this child was chosen by God to rule the English people. This kid isn’t just a new figurehead to feed.”