President Obama to Woo GOP Lawmakers with Sponge Baths, Breakfast in Bed

WASHINGTON — White House insiders say President Obama has continued his recent campaign to win over support from GOP lawmakers by personally offering them in-home services, including sponge baths, breakfast in bed, and full-body massages. The President hopes such gestures will ease tensions between the two major parties, and pave the way for legislative deals on many issues, notably immigration and the budget.

“This is a new president we’re seeing,” one source told Newslo. “He used to hole himself up in the White House, avoiding contact with Republicans at all costs, like they had leprosy or somethin’.” But the President has apparently gotten over his unease. “He spent last night braiding Kelly Ayotte’s hair, then swung over to Lindsey Graham’s house to give him a sponge bath and sing a quick lullaby.”

The President began courting GOP members last week when he invited twelve Republican senators to a private dinner at Washington’s Jefferson Hotel. Many of the attendees later praised Mr. Obama for his kindness and candor, with some, including Patrick Toomey (R-PA), admitting that they “kind of have a crush on him.”

“The dinner went perfectly,” one White House advisor said. “So well, in fact, that the President decided he needed to take it to the next, significantly more intimate level.”

Indeed, some of the services the President has provided to leading Republicans have left observers uncomfortable and perplexed, including “intimate grooming,” which the White House refused to describe in detail.

For their part, Republicans are largely pleased with the President’s new demeanor, if somewhat skeptical of his motives. “I know he might be doing this entirely for political reasons,” said Tom Coburn (R-OK). “But boy, does he give a good back rub. The man’s got magic fingers.”

The White House says the President will be devoting more and more of his time to “one-on-one rendezvouses” with Republicans in the coming weeks. “The President really enjoys reaching out and spending quality time with Republicans, who are turning out to be a great bunch of people,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said. “So far, the only thing he’s found difficult was changing John McCain’s diaper. Apparently the senator had been eating a lot of Thai food.”