Price Promises To “Shut Down All Airplane Chemtrails” On Day One Of Assuming Function

The man who President-elect Donald Trump has named as his pick for Secretary of Health and Human Services is a right-wing true believer with a track record of virulent antigay and anti-women’s rights views. According to MSNBC’s Steve Benen, Rep. Tom Price (R-GA) is about as toxic a choice as the former reality TV star could name to the post, which was announced on Tuesday. Benen wrote, “The Georgia congressman, for example, is virulently anti-gay; during the BP oil spill, Price sided with the oil giant; and in 2011, he helped create Congress’ Tea Party Caucus. (A year later, Price seemed confused about the meaning of the word ‘compromise.’)

However, the not-very-popular Georgia Republican has already started to raise dust with several statements regarding his plans “when” he assumes office, one of the more notable being the promise to “shut down all airplane-caused chemtrails” that have been plaguing the skies above America. “Chemtrails are a known cause of disease and odd behavior among Americans, and we must do everything in our power to rid our skies of such a foul and damaging thing,” Price told ABC News. “It’s bad enough they were kept a secret in order to make Americans listen to Barack Obama and do his bidding, but now they’re trying to stop me from becoming HHS head so they could keep controlling the people from the shadows? No way, not on my watch.”

Asked to elaborate on his plan to “save Americans from the Democrat-induced mind control” that has everyone acting crazy, Price argued that “it was Obama’s plan all along to turn all men in America to gays and sissies so he could control them more easily.” “And he did that because he knew that the easiest way to control a population was to break its strongest link, which in this case were our men,” he opined. “And the way he managed to do that was through vaccination of male babies, which started taking place in 2008 when he assumed the presidency, and another way was through the chemtrails emitted from airplanes, which sought to change male pattern behavior.”

Price continued, “If you look at the official stats dating back to the early 2000s, you’ll notice a significant spike in the number of men who publicly declared themselves as homosexuals in 2008, spilling over to the following two years. Now, some might call that a coincidence, but I don’t buy it. I know the Democrats far too well to believe that even for a second. Obama sought to physically and chemically alter the population of the United States in order to make us more obedient. And he would have gone away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for Donald Trump and his victory this November.”

“Now it’s going to be my job to undo the damage that Obama did, and the first order of business is going to be hunting down the airplanes he charged with dispersing the chemtrails above major American cities which had a majority of male population in them. I am going to go after them on the very first day when I assume office, and nobody is going to be able to stop me. We are going to rid this country of Democratic, liberal, homosexual, lesbian and all other types of plagues once and for all, you mark my words,” Price threateningly concluded.