Primate Find Pushes Age of Earth Back to 6,003 Years Ago, Creationists Say

SHEETROCK, Ark. — The discovery last week of a 55 million-year-old primate fossil, which pre-dates previous findings by 8 million years, has led some fundamentalist Christian groups to concede that the Earth is older than they previously believed.

“We now believe the Earth is 6,003 years old, not 6,000,” said Minister Wilber Hennessey at Literal Truth Ministries, in Sheetrock, Arkansas.

The announcement came as a surprise since “Young Earthers,” as many fundamentalists are known, have long maintained that, according to close readings of the Bible, the planet is 6,000 years old. Most scientists agree that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old, a slight difference.

Since Creationists don’t believe in evolution, carbon dating or any of the other myriad scientific methods used by archaeologists, chemists, physicists or other “-ists” to determine the age of the Earth, it’s unclear why the discovery of this primate had any effect on their beliefs.

But as Hennessey put it, “Contrary to what the socialist media will tell you, we listen to what scientists think. We’re not a bunch of ignorant ignoramuses, you know.”

Hennessey added, “We just take what they say and fit it into our particular paradigm. In this case, we take their 8 million years and transmogrify it into three of ours.”

Hennessey’s announcement sparked a wave of controversy in the creationist community, many members of which were adamant about sticking to the original 6,000-year figure.

Said one member of Hennessey’s church, “It’s now clear that Minister Hennessey is a heretic. I hear that that primate they found had a tail longer than its body and weighed about an ounce, or the size of Hennessey’s brain. Look, the Bible says the Earth is 6,000 years old if it’s a day, and that’s it. Five hundred years from now it will still be 6,000 years old and nothing can change that.”

Both sides were reportedly praying to God and polling their members to see if this is worth having a holy war over.

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