Prince Harry Absconds with Royal Baby, Duchess of Cambridge

LONDON – The English press and the Commonwealth of Nations at large reeled with surprise on Monday when, shortly after the birth of the royal baby, the as-yet-unnamed infant and his mother were kidnapped by Prince Harry, who had been third in line to the throne before the child was born. Royal watchers and professional photographers stared at each other in disbelief upon learning the news that the baby’s uncle had committed what appeared to be an act of treason.

“The scoundrel!” enraged father Prince William snarled at the press, “he would usurp his own house!” Several of the Prince’s swordsmen, their blades draw to keep the paparazzi at bay and their cap feathers aquiver with fury, had to restrain their lord before he could make his speech plain.

“My fair wife, Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, and our infant son have been stolen from me,” said the grandson of Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II. “I call on all Britons right and true and to help me find the Nefarious Ginger and bring him to Her Majesty’s justice.”

Harry is the only member of the House of Windsor with active military experience. Using his position and his title, the younger son of the Prince of the Wales entered the private Lindo wing of St. Mary’s hospital, where he himself was born, with some two dozen and one men of dubious and questionable character. Within minutes, the Duchess of Cambridge and her young son were missing. Prince William and Harry’s stepmother, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, was found locked in a “dirty nappies” closet.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said St. Mary’s nurse Nora Baker. “One minute I’m taking the wee prince’s footprint and preparing a blood sample, the next minute there’s all these capes and leather boots swinging from the fluorescent lights and me chart has an arrow right through it. It’s the end of my shift, too, innit?”

The British monarch wears a largely symbolic crown and mostly holds political power only behind the scenes. The king or queen also has nominal authority over the Church of England, but not many think Harry will exploit the newborn for political or religious means. Experts believe he would get the most practical use out of the new prince by selling his baby photos to the U.K. tabloids.

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