Progressive Car Insurance Names Amanda Bynes New Spokeswoman

MAYFIELD VILLAGE, Ohio – Progressive, one of the nation’s largest automobile insurers, has announced that it will massively revamp its marketing strategy in 2013. Among its most notable changes, a publicist said, is that it will enlist teen star and chronic car-totaler Amanda Bynes as its new spokeswoman.

Progressive is largely known for its prolific ad campaigns featuring “Flo,” a quirky and enthusiastic cashier who was well-received in her debut. But Bynes’ troubled, drunken vehicular career and profitable patronization of Progressive make her the perfect face of the brand.

“We want our marketing strategy to be based in real-world experiences with Progressive,” the publicist said. “Real people, real testimonies. And who better for that than our most valued customer?”

Bynes, who began her impressive career as a member of Nickelodeon’s “All That,” star of the same channel’s “Amanda Show,” and player in a number of films like “She’s the Man” and “Hairspray,” has declined in popularity since her teen years. Until recently, that is, when a number of highly-publicized car accidents brought her into the tabloid sphere. In the year 2012 alone, Bynes has been accused of two hit-and-runs, one count of driving under the influence, and one count of driving with a suspended license.

“Progressive has always been there for me,” Bynes said in a press conference. “My rates barely increased despite the fact that I’m clearly the world’s worst, most irresponsible driver – so I’m thrilled to return the favor and tell the world how great they are.”

While the contract for Bynes’ employment has been drafted, insiders say that the deal cannot be inked until it is clear whether or not she will have to serve time in prison for the aforementioned DUI.