SAN JUAN — Puerto Rico voted this past election to become the 51st state in the union. The move was not done for financial reasons – the US has a national debt of about sixteen trillion dollars or $51,000 per person – or political reasons – the US has massive troop commitments abroad and is perceived to be a dying superpower – but rather because of the island’s deep seeded love for petty partisan bickering.
Puerto Ricans for years have had to watch factual, non-ideological newscasts and suffered through elections driven by rational debate. The fun of doomsday babblings that Americans can regularly get from Fox News and arrogant liberal smugness peddled on MSNBC have been completely absent in the American protectorate. It should be of little surprise that Puerto Ricans long for the winner-take-all partisanship of American politics: cockfighting is often considered the island’s unofficial sport.
Jose Barrera had this to say about why he voted for statehood: “Here in Puerto Rico, I have never seen a candidate painted as a Nazi for wanting to slightly alter a social program. That sort of political theater just always looked like so much fun!”
While Puerto Ricans are excited to throw their hats into the intellectually degenerate field of American politics, top election strategist from both parties are concerned. A high-ranking official from the Republican National Committee, who asked to remain anonymous, voiced concern that “the excitement from the island is palpable, but is the experience theirs? America has a long history of running dirty political campaigns. How long will it take Puerto Ricans to learn that if you call someone a ‘communist’ they do not in fact need to be a communist, or that with enough money you can turn a war hero into a coward? We will see good old-fashioned mudslinging elections here eventually, but how many clean factual driven races will we have to endure before we get there?”
Regardless of concerns, Puerto Ricans remain ecstatic and have begun to prepare for their arrival in the American political sphere. Half the island has started wearing red and engaging in unintelligible shouting matches with the other half the island that is wearing blue and printing wallet-sized photos of Rachel Maddow.