Putin Remembers World War I by Preparing for World War III

MOSCOW—In honor of the centennial anniversary of the start of the First World War, Russian president Vladimir Putin commemorated the destructive conflict that cost an estimated 2,000,000 Russian lives by laying plans for World War III, sources confirmed.

According to the U.S. State Department, Russia violated the 1987 Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty, which bans tests of medium range ground launched cruise missiles. The treaty was signed by Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev, and is considered a landmark treaty in de-escalating and ultimately ending the Cold War.

“The Great War was a watershed moment in Russian history,” a press release from the Kremlin read. “Millions of Russian lives were lost, ushering in the Bolshevik Revolution and leading to the establishment of the Soviet Union. What better tribute than to start the next World War?”

Reports indicate that Russia resumed testing the cruise missiles as early as 2008. In May 2013, a U.S. senior arms control official first raised the possibility of a violation with Russian officials. In June 2013, Putin called the U.S.S.R.’s decision to sign the treaty “debatable to say the least.”

In a press conference Tuesday morning, an upbeat Putin said the missile tests were the latest in his attempt to initiate a new world conflict.

“On the eve of the 100th anniversary of the Great War, I pause and reflect that it’s been, what, almost 70 years since we’ve had a world war? The gap between the first and second was only 21 years. We’re way overdue. I’m just trying to speed things along,” Putin insisted.

“World wars have historically been quite good for Russia, if you ignore the high death tolls,” Putin said. “First World War: Soviet Union created. That was good. Second World War: We defeated the Nazi fascists and became the world’s second leading superpower. Also good. Then we went too long without a world war and boom!—suddenly the Soviet Union’s gone. Not good. I think history speaks for itself.”

“The first world war started over the Balkans, so I thought we could start another over Ukraine. But President Obama and NATO refused to escalate. I’m just taking matters into my own hands,” Putin continued. “One way or another, we’re gonna have that long-overdue global cataclysm, so the West might as well meet me halfway,” Putin concluded.

Mitt Romney could not be reached for comment.