Putin Grants Snowden Asylum After Confirming It Would Not Look Gay

MOSCOW — Since granting NSA leaker Eric Snowden temporary asylum in Russia on August 1st, the Kremlin has gone to great lengths to clarify that the reason he was not released earlier is that Russian president, Vladimir Putin, thought giving a man political sanctuary might look “kind of gay.”

While many Western nations have moved towards greater protection for the LGBT community – including the recent legalization of gay marriage in France and the overturning of the Defense of Marriage Act in the United States – Russia seems to be moving in a more homophobic direction.

“I don’t really care whether giving Snowden asylum will piss the Americans off,” explained Putin as he became increasingly frantic about the idea of being labeled gay. “It’s just that I am often photographed without my shirt on, and I wasn’t sure if harboring another man was gay or not. Luckily my advisors told me it wasn’t, as long as I called ‘no homo.’ ”

Putin has gone to great lengths to prove how “totally hetero” he is, recently signing legislation preventing gay couples from adopting babies and banning “homosexual proselytizing.”

The Russian president reiterated that leaking sensitive information was “totally cool with him,” so long as Snowden didn’t engage in any “gay stuff.”

“Look, it’s not that I’m anti-gay,” Putin said, “it’s just that gay sex makes me feel kind of icky. If Eric Snowden was Erica Snowden, I would have let him in weeks ago.”

When considering the recent legislation, and Snowden’s asylum, Putin said he looked to  leaders such as Ted Haggard and Larry Craig, whom he called “pinnacles of machismo and heterosexuality.”