Putin: I Won’t Support Strike Unless I See Assad Using Chemical Weapons While Holding Two Forms of I.D.

MOSCOW — With Western pressure on the Assad regime mounting, the Kremlin is still resolute in its opposition to a military strike in Syria. Russian President Vladimir Putin remains insistent that intelligence provided by the U.S. which suggests that Assad used chemical weapons on his own people is inconclusive, but has described the kind of evidence he would need in order to back a strike.

“Until I see Syrian President Bashar al-Assad with chemical weapons in one hand and a clearly visible drivers license and passport in the other hand, there is really no way to know if his regime actually gassed anyone,” the Russian President said “All this U.S. data as far as I’m concerned is mere speculation.”

The Russian President, a noted C.S.I. fan, also said that chemical weapons found lathered in the Syrian Presidents semen and fingerprints would suffice, but, barring such “smoking gun” evidence, he would have to refrain from approving military action in Syria.

While many Western observers believe that Putin is merely protecting a regime friendly to Russia, , the former KGB agent disagrees.

“Look, I’m not an unreasonable man,” Putin clarified, “if conclusive evidence does prove Assad massacred his civilians with W.M.D’s I would consider using a military strike. I just don’t know how conclusive evidence exists without bodily emissions or photo I.D. being present at a crime scene.

Russia said that it would continue to veto Security Council resolutions against Assad until conclusive proof of chemical weapons is provided. The Kremlin maintains it is holding a totally reasonable position vis-à-vis the photo I.D. requirement.

“Shouldn’t attacking Syria,” Putting theorized, “need the same stringent authentication standard that Republicans want to put on American voters?”