Putin’s Mother Claims He Wasn’t Hugged Enough As Child

MOSCOW — Vladimir Putin’s mother claims her son’s recent behavior can be linked to a cold relationship with his father and the fact that he was never hugged as a child.

US officials have accused Putin of flouting international law and massing thousands of troops in the Crimea region of Ukraine in a possible annexation attempt. Putin’s mother, Maria Ivanova Putina, is not surprised.

“Ukraine’s President Yanukovych was friendly to Vladimir. He showed him affection,” stated Putin’s mother. “He gets ousted and Vladimir sends in troops!” Adding, “If he just got a simple ‘goodnight hug’ from his papa every once in a while, he would not be such a—how you say—‘Spaz?’”

Putin has denied that Russian forces are gathering in the Crimea. Thousands of troops have taken control of 10 Ukrainian military bases. These men are in unmarked uniforms and Putin claims they are merely local self-defense groups who just happen to speak Russian. American Secretary of State Kerry was shocked at this denial, but not as outraged at Mrs. Putina.

“Vladimir drops 6,000 uniforms on my kitchen table and says he needs their Russian insignias removed for work the next day—The next day?!” said Putin’s mother.

“This is just like the damn volcano I had to build him in grade school—or the car battery and nipple clamps he forgot when he was running late for KGB training.” Mrs. Putina added, “Maybe, if we just had held the boy more, things would be different.”

Putin’s mother continued to link other significant events to his physically cold relationship with his father in particular. In 2013, the Kremlin passed sweeping anti-gay legislation which limits homosexual displays or ‘propaganda.’ According to Mrs. Putina, these laws were enacted solely because the haunted Vladimir cannot watch two men embrace without openly sobbing.

Putin’s mother also claimed NSA leak Edward Snowden’s asylum was another example of her son lashing out.

“He saw him as a boy with an angry father,” Mrs. Putina asserted. “That is why he would not send him back to America. It had nothing to do with a fair trial and everything to do with his father missing all those ballet recitals.”

When asked about Putin’s accusations that Snowden would not be granted his human rights in America, Mrs. Putina simply laughed.

“That’s just despot calling the kettle black.”