If anyone could be counted on for a positive endorsement, it’s one’s parents. So it should come as no surprise that presidential candidates are pulling out all the stops to include the people most likely to offer admiration, spouses, children, etc. And while hauling one’s famous family out to campaign together is one pretty desperate move, some candidates have gone further. Rafael Cruz has declared that his son Ted has been anointed by God to be the next president of the United States. “All of us were worshipping and the words that came out of Ted’s mouth were, ‘Hear my lord, use me,’” Rafael told televangelist Kenneth Copeland. “I believe God has raised him up for a time like this.”

“There’s really no other way to explain the immense popularity my son’s presidential campaign is receiving,” Cruz Senior told the televangelist. “I remember, even when he was a boy, Ted always believed in God. He would say a prayer every night before bed, without exception, and even then he was also popular in school and everywhere he went. It just goes to show that people who carry God’s love and the love for God inside them can never be disliked or hurt by others.” He also added that “God has groomed my son throughout the course of his life, preparing him to one day claim his rightful place as the president of the greatest nation that ever existed on the face of the planet.”

The conservative pastor said that “many of the trials and tribulations He has put my son through were meant to teach him how to become wise and courageous. And not only that, He has also enabled Ted to meet a great number of people who have influenced and shaped his young mind,” one of whom was, apparently, the late Justice Antonin Scalia. “And when the time came, the Lord took Justice Scalia away from us, not just to punish our wicked and sinful ways, but to also teach Ted the final lesson in his long journey of preparation – that no man can defy God.”

“He has taken Justice Scalia, he has taken Nancy Reagan, he has taken a number of wise and experienced people, all for the purpose of making sure Ted Cruz becomes president. And after a lifetime of preparation, we’re almost there. But, I am sad to say that the Lord feels betrayed and helpless right now, because his own Republican soldiers, those who have sworn by him, are too stubborn to listen to His will. They prefer the devil Donald Trump, and they do not heed the Lord’s call. God is disappointed and hurt by this betrayal. The Republicans have turned their backs on Him, and they will be punished for it accordingly.”

“But, it is now up to the people of America to show that they have understood God’s message. If they vote for my son, they will be rewarded both in this life, and in heaven. For, God works in mysterious ways, and what is traditionally more mysterious than our presidential election?”