WASHINGTON—A top aide to Kentucky Senator Rand Paul was revealed to be the reincarnated spirit of John Wilkes Booth today, proving the existence of past lives and boosting Paul’s credibility in certain sectors of the GOP. Jack Hunter, Sen. Paul’s social media director and the co-author of his 2011 book, is best known for assassinating President Lincoln during his previous incarnation as Booth in 1865, a feat about which he is “still pretty proud.”
The news—which was originally reported by researchers studying the phenomenon at MIT—was immediately confirmed by Hunter, who said he’s known for years that he was once a theater actor and political radical in “Civil War times,” but that he’s only recently discovered that he shares a soul with Booth. “It would certainly explain my history of extremism and why, in the 21st century, I’m still hoping for the South to secede from the union,” Hunter/Booth said. “A few weeks ago, I flashed back to that night in the Ford’s Theater when it all went down, and suddenly my ridiculous, antiquated ideology made sense.”
Hunter, 39 or 175, depending on your perspective, was recently discovered to have been involved in white supremacist and neo-confederate groups as a young man, and admitted to toasting the birth of John Wilkes Booth every year. “Turns out he was just celebrating his own birthday,” said Henry Klein, one of the researchers at MIT. “And I suppose we can’t blame him for that.”
“We can still blame him for shooting Lincoln in the head, though,” Klein added.
Some members of the GOP have embraced the revelation, and Senator Paul has experienced a sudden boost in popularity among some of those on the far right. “Finally a man with a history of real, dramatic action against tyrannical big government,” said Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “Maybe it’s time for Sen. Rand to step aside—we think Hunter may have a bright political career of his own ahead of him.”
Others, however, are disturbed by the news that Sen. Paul has been working so closely with the man who assassinated Lincoln, although Hunter himself says Paul’s supporters shouldn’t be surprised. “I already told you that Rand is just ‘playing the game,’ and that he is and always has been a radical in disguise. You think he would keep a presidential assassin as a BFF if he wasn’t?”
Hunter—who earlier said that he considers himself more “radical or crazy” than he was in his younger years, when he was a member of the League of the South—indicated that he had no regrets about what he’s done in this life or any other. “I know that it’s not the 1860s anymore, and that you have to express your political views a little more subtly now. But that doesn’t mean I won’t keep standing up for the South, or at least hobbling around on my broken leg for the South.”
