Rand Paul Wins CPAC Straw Poll, Assuring He’ll Never be President

WASHINGTON — On Saturday, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul won the CPAC Presidential straw poll, narrowly beating out Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) and all but assuring he’ll never be elected President.

“It’s an honor to know that CPAC supports me,” Sen. Paul said. “And it’s a relief to know this means I’ll probably never serve as Commander in Chief. Over the last few years, as my popularity has grown, I started to worry that one day I’d have to be President. Seriously—who needs the stress? Thankfully, I can breathe easy now.”

Historically, the winner of the CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) straw poll—conducted to gauge the conference attendees’ preferred candidate for the next election—has rarely been elected President. Only two straw poll winners have eventually won the nation’s highest office, and the last straw poll to accurately predict the next President of the United States occurred in 2000, when George W. Bush won it.

“Mitt Romney won the straw poll four times between 2007 and 2012,” noted Dr. Michael Davis, professor of Political Science at Georgetown University. “I’ll say that again: four times. And we all know how that turned out. CPAC has a remarkable track record of picking losers. I mean, does anyone even remember who George Allen (the 2006 winner) is?”

Former Senator George Allen (R-VA), said from his home in Mount Vernon, Va., where he now spends all his time, “I look forward to, one day soon, welcoming Mr. Paul into our club and support group, TIFRA (The Irrelevant and Forgotten Republicans of America).”