Rapists Eager to Join Military for Immunity

WASHINGTON – Following the revelation that there were 26,000 sexual assaults in the United States military over the last year, only 3,347 of which were reported with 238 leading to convictions, sexual predators have been lining up at military recruiting stations across the country, hoping to capitalize on the Pentagon’s laissez-faire approach to protecting female service members.

The number of assaults increased from 19,000 in the previous year, and now amount to 70 per day, which one man waiting outside the Army recruiting office in Irvine, California, described as “a dream come true.” Speaking on the condition of anonymity, he went on to say that rapists had been paying attention to the military’s low prosecution rates for a while, but “when Lt. Col. Jeff Krusinski—the head of the Air Force sexual assault prevention unit—was found to be groping women, we knew it was definitely the place for us.”

At an Air Force recruitment station in Louisville, Ky., meanwhile, another sexual predator who wished to remain anonymous was extremely—and quite visibly—excited at the prospect of signing up, saying: “I’m really hoping to ‘see some action,’ if you know what I mean.” When questioned as to whether he was talking about fighting overseas for his country, he admitted that, as much as he loved America, he was “pretty much here for the rape exemption.”

Similar lines had formed at a Navy recruiting office in Tempe, Ariz., with a pustule—the collective noun for men who commit sexual assault—gathering so they could compare notes. One confirmed that he had chosen the Navy “because there are less places for them to hide on a boat,” although a friend pointed out that the Air Force has a brochure advising potential victims to submit rather than resist if being sexually assaulted, “so any branch of the military was going to work out well for us.” Another sexual predator said he wasn’t surprised that so many were enlisting: “It’s basically a gold rush. But with rape.”