BALTIMORE — The Baltimore Ravens are headed to New Orleans today in preparation for their Feb 3rd matchup against the San Francisco 49ers, leaving their hometown in a state of bafflement and awe.
Longtime fan and Baltimore native Emma Nawalkowsky confessed to being “more confused and surprised than thrilled,” by the news. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, here. We’re all very pleased about the Ravens going to the Superbowl. It’s just that it’s so strange for our city to be recognized for something… good. Something kind of great, actually. Usually, Baltimore-related headlines read, like, ‘Officially More Murders Per Capita than El Salvador’ or ‘Most Concentrated Hopelessness Outside of Detroit,’” continued Nawalkowsky, “those are the kind of stories we tend to attract. So this Superbowl thing has left us just kind of dumbfounded.”
Residents have begun preparing Superbowl parties in a quiet daze, ordering kegs of Natty Bo from local package goods stores and buying out entire pallets of Utz potato chip products. Restaurant owner Jon Farley said he “guesses [he’ll] put some extra orders in for crab,” and suggested his staff “consider decorating the restaurant” in Ravens black and purple.
Some Baltimore fans have found that the impending Superbowl has already “kind of improved” their everyday lives. “I had to fly to Chicago this week for work,” Locust Point resident John-Paul Duffy explained. “When I was wearing my Ravens cap, people kept congratulating me on the team’s success. Usually folks just ask if living in Baltimore ‘is really a lot like The Wire.’ And then I have to admit that it’s pretty close and things get awkward while we talk about gun control. So. Yeah. This ‘civic pride’ thing is kind of a new feeling. Not really sure how to deal with it.”
Film director and champion of Baltimore “charm” John Waters is one of few residents who seem legitimately displeased by the turn of events.
“The glory of Baltimore is in its shitholeness,” Waters was allegedly overheard whispering in Hampden-neighborhood watering hole The Golden West. “They won the goddamn Super Bowl back in 2001. We can’t have this becoming a thing or the whole feel of the town is going to go right down the goddamn drain of respectability.”