Pro-Life Groups Recommend Reading to Children From Fertilization

WASHINGTON – According to pro-life groups across the U.S., parents needn’t wait until their children are born in order to read them such wonderful bedtime tales as the Bible and “Larry the Libertarian.”

“It’s best to start their education early, right when the sperm meets the egg,” said Joanne Thomas, president of the pro-life advocacy group Abort Abortions. “I had my husband read our little Abigail a snippet of “The Tea Party Manifesto” last week, and I could tell just the way she kicked my stomach that she got an intellectual rise out of the whole thing.”

Thomas and her ilk have drawn inspiration for their recent campaign from a study set forth by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which finds that reading to children during their infancy enhances vocabulary and various other communication skills.

“By the second trimester, our children will have a 200% better understanding of the English language,” said Wendy Yahool, a pro-life lobbyist in Washington. “By the time they’re born, they’ll be borderline conversational with their mothers.”

Yahool said she extrapolated her findings from the American Academy of Pediatrics study, arguing that any learning in the infancy stage “would obviously translate to learning once a baby’s true life starts: at fertilization.”

Moving forward, Yahool urges all parents of all classes to read to their in-utero offspring, hoping to overcome the biggest hurdle of all: income disparity. According to the study, 60 percent of children from families with a household income of more than $95,400 are read to from the time of birth until their fifth birthday, while only 33 percent of children in families below the poverty line are read to in that same time frame.

“Income shouldn’t be an excuse, especially when books are so cheap,” continued Yahool, who admittedly buys all her children’s books whenever Walmart runs a sale. “And it shouldn’t stop with buying books. If you ask me, audio learning is just as cheap and wonderful an option.”

At press time, Yahool reportedly watched “The O’Reilly Factor” from the comfort of her couch while her gestating son listened to the show from inside her womb.