Red Bull to Sponsor Congress’ Fiscal Cliff Dive

WASHINGTON — The new session of congress promises to be more adrenaline filled than ever before, and the energy drink company Red Bull is not going to miss out on the extreme advertising opportunity.  As thrill-seeking legislators refuse to compromise on almost anything budget-related, the House and Senate did come together to announce that the upcoming fiscal cliff/debt ceiling combo crisis will be officially sponsored by Red Bull and referred to as the “Red Bull Congressional Cliff Dive 2012.”

The fiscal cliff is a complicated legislative and economic phenomenon, and is helpfully explained by a Red Bull information packet as the following:  A gnarly term used to describe the extreme situation that will occur when certain badass stipulations of the Budget Control Act of 2011 go into effect. While most legislative bodies would work together and reach a compromise, the US Congress is going extreme and putting the whole world economy on the line, and it’s all sponsored by Red Bull energy drink.

Members of the House and Senate already seem to be inspired by the high-energy atmosphere and are sticking to their uncompromising positions like never before. Speaker of the House John Boehner, who has sworn not to pass anything without spending cuts, compared himself to Evel Knievel at a press conference on Saturday. Crushing a Red Bull can with his head at the podium, he promised to “take this fucker [the US economy] right over the edge.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid seemed equally fired up by the new daredevil bipartisanship, saying, “You’ve never seen brinksmanship like the shit I’m about to pull,” before riding out of the Capitol Building on a dirt bike borrowed from Joe Biden.

Red Bull, which has a long history of sponsoring extreme sports events and stunts, is thrilled with the opportunity. A spokesperson for the company’s marketing division explained, “the problem with extreme sports is that you have to keep outdoing yourself.  Only in politics, where the fate of millions is at stake, can you really find the people who are extreme-ist.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell perhaps said it best in a speech on the Senate floor Wednesday morning, exclaiming, “I will have this economy in free fall longer than that guy who skydived from space.”