NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy
Subscribe
NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Customer Service
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Sales
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • Blogs

The World According to Dick Cheney’s Old Heart

  • March 19, 2013
  • News Lo
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

Like many of you, I was looking forward to The World According to Dick Cheney when it premiered on Friday night.  In fact, I even celebrated by fixing myself a Dick Cheney (that’s half light, sweet crude/half bile).  But when I heard him say “I have no regrets” in the film, I was wishing I could say the same thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of all our listed accomplishments.  Going over it again would be kind of old.  But there are some things I dreamed of that I could never push Dick far enough to do.

For starters, I would have tried and executed the New York Times editorial board for treason (except Judith Miller – that broad’s alright).  Not sure on what grounds, but I’ve always been a ‘shoot first, and ask questions later’ sort of entity.  Then I would have orchestrated a coup somewhere in Central America and installed a Sharia Law government.  Now there’s a straw man you can perpetually scare people with!

Oh, and I would have put all redheads in internment camps.  Don’t ask me why.  They just always annoyed me.

But looking back, I have to say my biggest regret is that we had to rule from behind the throne, pulling the strings of a dauphin.  I even convinced W that the only honorable way we could both leave office was in a murder/suicide pact – and we would make it easier on him by offing him first and “joining him in Heaven” later.   That would have made Dick the President for real – the official portrait, face on money, presidential library.  But every time I tried to get Dick to do any of these it was always “I’m having second thoughts” or “we must respect historical precedent” or “that’s murder.” Oh well, guess I had to settle for running the show from the shadows.  In fact, with my inky, midnight hue and ability to swallow light, you could argue that — de facto — I was this nation’s first black President.

But like the old saying goes: You can lead a warlock to power, but you can’t make him ruthlessly rule in perpetuity. Eventually  I told Dick to have me removed, and I’d wait for him for when he really needed my help — after Earth is a charred hellscape in the wake of the coming Apocalypse (spoiler alert: it’ll be in 2016).

However, if I can find solace in our time together, it’s that with unrestricted drone warfare, torture a regularly accepted practice, and the chasm between rich and poor ever-widening, I know this much to be true:  You are living in the World According to Dick Cheney – or at least according to me.

Mission Accomplished.

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • Dick Cheney
  • Dick Cheney crazy
  • Dick Cheney's old heart
  • Donald Rumsfeld
  • Hubris MSNBC
  • news humor and satire
  • The world according to Dick Cheney
Avatar of News Lo
News Lo

Welcome to Newslo! Our team of dedicated authors strives to deliver the latest and most important info on finance while infusing a dose of our own style to give you a unique experience. Whether you're looking for in-depth discussions on investments or solid finance tips, we have something for everyone. Our goal is to deliver you the best possible content. So, keep reading our articles and give us your feedback!

Previous Article
rand-paul-15
  • Politics

Rand Paul Wins CPAC Straw Poll, Assuring He’ll Never be President

  • March 19, 2013
  • News Lo
View Post
Next Article
white-house
  • Politics

White House Considers Reopening to Tours Despite Staffing Issues, Ghosts

  • March 19, 2013
  • News Lo
View Post
NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy
Navigating the world of finance, one step at a time.

Input your search keywords and press Enter.