ATLANTA – The music world was rocked earlier this week when Dr. Charles Czeisler, a Harvard Medical School sleep expert testifying at the wrongful death trail related to Michael Jackson’s demise in 2009 claimed that the singer may have set a world record by going for two months without R.E.M. Upon hearing the news, members of the legendary Atlanta-based rock band, who disbanded in 2012, were besides themselves with grief.
“I loved and respected MJ, he was a true artist,” said lead singer Michael Stipe. “To learn that being deprived of our music drove him to his death has created a gaping hole in my soul. I never knew we meant so much to him. I can’t believe how naive I’ve been.”
In the place of his much-needed R.E.M., Jackson was given an injection of propofol for 60 consecutive night prior to his death by Dr. Conrad Murray, something Dr. Czeisler said has never before been done by a human being. “It would be like eating some sort of cellulose pellets instead of dinner,” explained Czeisler. “Your stomach would be full and you would not be hungry, but it would be zero calories and not fulfill any of your nutrition needs.”
R.E.M. guitarist Peter Buck had trouble speaking after hearing the news. “I’ve always known… known that some people… to some our music… our music is a drug,” he whispered. “Our fans need it… badly… I’ve never… never heard of this Propofol group but… well maybe they’re a cover band or something… but.. obviously not the real thing. His death is on us. We killed him. Oh God, forgive us!”
The Band’s ‘other’ guitarist, Mike Mills was in a state of shock, refusing to take responsibility. “Look, we.. I don’t even remember what we were doing back in 2009. Were we on tour? Maybe, maybe not,” he said. “If he was jonesing so badly, why didn’t he toss in a CD? Automatic for the People always perks people up. You can’t tell me a guy like that didn’t have our entire cataloge at his beck and call.”
Dr. Czeisler explained that depriving someone of R.E.M. For long periods of time makes them paranoid, anxiety-filled, depressed, and distracted. They lose their appetite and balance, their physical reflexes get 10 times slower and the emotinoal responces 10 times stronger.
He also testified that lab rats die after five weeks without R.E.M., prompting Buck to mutter, “We’re killing rats, too? Christ almighty!”
Reporters attempted to explain to the band that R.E.M. stands for Rapid Eye Movement, a type of sleep vital to the human body, but were cut off by Stipe. “I know what it means!” he cried. “I picked the damn name at random from the dictionary myself! If only we’d gone by one of our earlier choices like Twisted Kites of Negro Wives, MJ would be alive today.”