TRENTON, N.J. — Heeding criticism that the $1 million internal review said to exonerate Gov. Chris Christie from culpability in the Bridgegate scandal was anything but independent, the governor called upon his parents to set the record straight once and for all.
Sondra and Wilbur James Christie enthusiastically came to their son’s defense and affirmed the findings of the original report, which was commissioned by the embattled governor and conducted by a law firm with known links to his administration.
“Our baby boy loves his home state,” claimed Christie’s mother, “almost as much as he loves Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Nevada.”
Christie the elder added, “It’s like Chris told me since he was knee-high to a grasshopper. New Jersey, to him, represents a path to bigger and better things. What incentive would my son have in blocking anyone’s road to seeing Jersey in their rearview mirror?”
Their findings “supported exactly what I said,” according to the governor, who was wearing his Sunday best and beaming innocently at his parents in front of the Statehouse.
Gov. Christie continued to express his confidence in the original report’s objectivity, claiming that the powerful team of former federal prosecutors “would not give away those reputations to do some slipshod job for me.”
Should anyone dare question the findings now, Christie noted, “They’d be calling my parents liars, as well. And nobody gets away with calling my parents names–not if they expect to make good time on the N.J. Turnpike to visit family on Mother’s or Father’s Day.”
“We asked our little Christie why someone would try to tarnish his good name,” the governor’s mother told the press. To this, the governor said, “It mystifies me on every level why this was done.”
The governor then referred to his lawyers’ report, which suggested his deputy chief of staff was “emotional” and that the “events in her personal life may have had some bearing on her subjective motivations and state of mind.”
“Chris has always been a good boy, even if he can be a bit leery of girls,” said his mother, who brushed off claims that the internal review was sexist.
For his part, Gov. Christie has retained the law firm of Gibson Dunn & Crutcher to investigate a possible cooties outbreak in his office.