Washington, D.C. – A top Republican wants the federal government to spend half a billion dollars so states can make people on food stamps pass drug tests. Legislation Rep. Robert Aderholt (R-Ala.) proposes would cut Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program spending by $1.2 billion, then plow $600 million into grants for states to carry out drug testing programs. Federal law doesn’t currently allow states to drug test food stamp recipients, an obstacle that has prevented Republicans in Georgia, Wisconsin and elsewhere from carrying out the policy. Aderholt’s bill would allow drug tests, but not require them.

However, in addition to allowing states to wilfully administer drug tests to food stamp recipients, the controversial bill would also require potential recipients to be tested for actual hunger every time prior to being issued food stamps. This “addition” to the bill is what many refer to as small print, even though Aderholt claims it is “completely justified.”

“Look at what’s going on right now,” the Alabama Rep. said. “The United States budget is hemorrhaging money because of drug addicts who are misusing food stamps to purchase narcotics, but what many people don’t realize is the fact that they are only part of the problem. There are many other so-called ‘legitimately poor people’ who are also receiving food stamps, but are using them to buy things like hot-tubs, motorbikes, finance pool parties and getting their hands on the latest iPhone or MacBook.”

“Now, in addition to being a politician, I am also a citizen of this country and I pay my taxes just like everybody else. I don’t think that’s fair, and that’s me saying that as a citizen. As a politician, I find it completely immoral and irresponsible to use other people’s hard-earned tax money to buy luxurious household items you don’t really need,” Aderholt added.

He continued, “That’s why, as a way of making sure food stamps actually go to hungry people, I propose we introduce hunger tests prior to issuing the stamps to every potential beneficiary. The logistics of it are still in the works, but from what I can gather, we’d be using a benign chemical that would be able to tell whether or not a person is experiencing hunger from their saliva. The chemical would be located on the stamps themselves, and upon licking the stamp, as you would a simple stamp at a post office, we would know straight away if a person is trying to trick us or if they really deserve food. And if all goes well, we’d develop new chemicals to also show us which applicants for food stamps are narcotics users. In time, we would branch out to things like being able to tell if a person has a disease just from licking the stamp.”

“Who knows,” Aderholt added, “eventually, our methodology might even replace traditional pregnancy tests. And for all those worried parents out there, we just might be able to show you whether or not your daughters have started performing oral sex on boys. And if we’re lucky, we’ll even be able to determine with a 90% confidence level whether or not your child has homosexual/lesbian preferences.”