Republican Lawmakers Outlaw Abortion by Declaring Fetuses “Insolvent Corporate Persons”

WASHINGTON —  In what will almost surely go down in history as a legislative grand-slam, Republicans in Congress today succeeded in banning abortion by re-writing the tax code to classify fetuses as “insolvent corporate persons.”

While unborn children inhabit a legal and moral gray area in American politics, corporations are guaranteed a near full enumeration of civil rights. The Fetal Incorporation Act of 2012 ensures that a sperm hitting an egg is just another way of pen touching paper to found a blastocyst start-up.

Pro-life conservatives have fought tirelessly for decades to overturn Roe v. Wade and roll back abortion rights with mixed success. Legislators say the pro-life movement has often felt like hitting your head against a wall.

“You’ve gotta work smarter, not harder,” explained the bill’s author, Congressman Roger Wicker of Mississippi. “I figured if you can gerrymander a district, why not do a little ju-jitsu on legislation?”

Republican lawmakers are defending the bill, saying that fetuses display clear capitalist behaviors mere days after conception.

“Fetuses are already performing corporate mergers by eating their twins in the womb,” says Representative Steve Chabot (R-OH). “So clearly they have the competitive urge.”

“Absorb a rival, break it down so you can use its resources,” says Wicker. “Sounds an awful lot like Bain Capital. Sounds an awful lot like an 18-week-old clump of cells too. If a corporation is a person, and fetuses act like corporations, it’s pretty easy to see abortion is murder.”

Conservatives hope the legislation will inspire the GOP’s base after a disappointing election cycle.

“For years we’ve been looking for a way to more concretely unite the social and fiscal conservative values of the party,” said Chabot in a recent interview. “I can’t think of a better poster-child for the Republican Party than a Fortune-500 fetus.”