WASHINGTON — Prominent Republicans, dismayed by their busted NCAA Basketball Tournament brackets, are blaming the games’ surprising results on President Barack Obama.
“I looked at my bracket, realized how terrible my picks were, and thought only one thing,” said Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner, “Thanks a lot, Obama!”
Fiscal conservatives point to Wichita State’s miraculous run as proof that government intervention always has adverse consequences. “An eight seed has no business beating a powerhouse like Ohio State,” Boehner remarked, before adding, “this smacks of Obama playing favorites—it’s like Solyndra all over again.”
Donald Trump believes his bracket was busted because Obama is a Kenyan Muslim. “I didn’t have Louisville in the Final Four because they had already slogged through a super tough Big East tournament and I thought they would get fatigued,” Trump said, “I should have realized that the President would sneak an African Muslim [Senegalese born Louisville center Gorgui Dieng] into the tournament’s last weekend.”
Members of the Christian right believe that Liberty University’s first round loss is proof that Obama hates religion. “I know they were a 15 seed,” Pat Robertson noted, before hypothesizing that “there is no reason that twelve heterosexual Christian males can’t play a fundamentally sound zone defense. I smell government atheism all over this one.”
While there are no data to support the notion that Republicans were better at predicting college sports from 2000-2012, they seem fairly positive that this year’s slump is entirely the President’s fault. “The tournament is always unpredictable,” Boehner admitted, “but this year it’s different. Obama is up to something.”