Republicans Concerned Woman Who Swam from Cuba to Florida Set Bad Example

WASHINGTON – Republican House Speaker John Boehner has congratulated endurance swimmer Diana Nyad on swimming from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage, but today publicly requested that she refrain from making the trip again, “in case Cubans start getting ideas about how to get to America.”

Nyad, who spent 53 hours navigating the 110-mile journey, had previously attempted the swim four times , and after arriving in Key West said that her take away from the experience is that we should never, ever give up…  [and that] you never are too old to chase your dreams.” When asked for comment, Boehner agreed that “part of the American spirit is to never give up, but that spirit should absolutely not be adopted by Cubans thinking of swimming here. Seriously, this whole thing is already a massive headache, so cut me some slack.” Boehner has been trying to hold his party together after a split on the Immigration Reform Bill, which could potentially create a pathway to citizenship for immigrants who overstayed visas or arrived in America “illegally.”

Boehner later added that he was certain Nyad must have had her passport in some kind of waterproof baggy attached to her body, which is the only way she was let in the country, before muttering “please please please let that be true.”

The Speaker is not only trying to prevent internecine fighting amongst Republicans, but also battling against the immigration bill passed by the Senate in June—which would overhaul the system for legal immigration—whereas the House intends to focus solely on border control. This was exemplified by anti-immigration congressman Ed Royce, who demanded that Nyad be sent back to Cuba, and that she be banned from being within 50 miles of the Rio Grande, “in case she decides to teach Mexicans how to swim across that, too.”