Republicans Offer to Replace Sequester with Amendment Repealing Roe V. Wade

WASHINGTON — Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner today announced the GOP’s official offer to solve the approaching financial debacle of the sequester by passing a Constitutional Amendment that would immediately repeal Roe V. Wade.

“The President’s reckless fiscal policies have once again brought America to the brink of ruin, this time with the onslaught of the Barack Obama Memorial Budget Sequester Agreement of 2011,” said Boehner. “I pleaded with the President to cut taxes for millionaires, but he did not heed my warnings. Therefore, as I reported to the public, I was only able to get 98% of what I wanted out of the deal. Had I gotten that extra 2%, we would not be in this situation. Now the only sensible way out of this spiral of economic decay is to pass a Constitutional Amendment repealing Roe V. Wade.”

After his announcement, a crowd of Tea Party citizen activists behind Boehner raised their fists into the air and began chanting.

“IF sequester NOT be paid, we MUST repeal ROE V Wade!”

By the terms of the Budget Control Act of 2011, Congress was tasked with creating a supercommittee to come up with a bipartisan method of cutting the deficit. A stipulation was added that if the bipartisan supercommittee failed to find a solution, automatic spending cuts – know as sequestration – would take place on March 1, 2013. All of America put their hopes and prayers into the success of the supercommittee. When the unthinkable happened and the supercommittee wound up split along party lines, the countdown to Sequestrageddon commenced.

Newly-minted Republican Savior Senator Marco Rubio (FL) explained why overturning the landmark 1973 Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion was the key to economic security. “Every time a woman reaches into her belly to rip out a human life, she removes a future tax payer from our society,” he explained. “Roe V. Wade has deprived this country of tax revenue long enough! On the other side of the balance sheet, think of how much more business Babies R Us, Hanna Anderson, and The Children’s Place can do with an increase in their target demographic. We’re talking about real jobs here!”

Off the record, many Republican sources admit that repealing Roe V. Wade would do little to stimulate the American economy, but feel they’ve hit upon a winning political strategy. “Look, we can do whatever we want because most Americans don’t even know what sequester means,” said anonymous Republican source Robert Rector, a senior research fellow at The Heritage Foundation. “I asked my Latvian housekeeper Inesa and she just blinked at me.”

“She’s here legally, by the way,” he added.