Republicans Pass “Passive-Aggressive Violence Against Women” Act

WASHINGTON — House Republicans, gloomy in the wake of the passage of the Violence Against Women Act, quickly regained their mojo and overwhelmingly passed the “Passive-Aggressive Act Against Women Act.”

“This is an historic day for the Republican Party,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor proclaimed. “Today, by reluctantly declaring that rape, murder, disfigurement and senseless beatings against women have no place in today’s GOP, we no longer will be confused with the Taliban. But by passing the Passive-Aggressive Violence Against Women Act, we reaffirm the sentiments of Soul Brother Number One, James Brown, that it’s still ‘A Man’s World.’”

Republicans were forced to abandon their support of more overt violence against women in the wake of highly-publicized and embarrassing remarks by representatives like Todd Aiken who coined the phrase “legitimate rape,” and others who said that “date rape” didn’t really count.

PAVAWA codifies that it’s still okay, and perhaps even encouraged, for men to express hostility towards women by: withholding child support; placing onerous restrictions on obtaining an abortion; paying 70% of what men make for the same job; denying promotions; making it harder for women to get credit; sleeping with her friend; insulting her intelligence and looks; calling women who sleep with you ‘whores;’ staying out all night without explanation; and a host of other oafish, offensive behaviors.

Cantor continued, “I’m proud to say that in regards to women’s rights, this squarely places the GOP all the way up to ‘1965’ sensibility, marking the first time that our party has been within a half-century of contemporary thinking on women’s issues since we reluctantly recognized women as people.”

Women’s groups were sharply divided on the Republican action, between those who called the lawmakers “clueless and irrelevant,” and those who dubbed them “reptilian, evil and vile.”

When informed of the overwhelmingly negative response, Cantor responded with what he called the “official” Republican response to complaints from womens’ groups. Sticking his index fingers in his ears, he chimed “La-la-la-la. I can’t he-ear you.”