Republicans Pin 2014 Hopes on Creationism

WASHINGTON – GOP Chairman Reince Priebus today announced that the Republican Party had officially adopted creationism as party platform. He urged all Republican candidates running for office in 2014 to push a strong anti-evolution message, believing it will be a winner in the voting booth.

“With the gay marriage issue going south for us, we need something new to grab voters’ attention,” said Priebus. “I am confident that running across the board as young-earth creationists who believe God made the world 6,000 years ago will propel us to victory.”

With Priebus at the announcement was the architect of the new plan, Robert Knight, a senior fellow/executive director at the American Civil Rights Union and columnist for the Washington Times. “Evolution is at the core of a left-wing, secular, humanist worldview that has been breathing down everybody’s necks in America for years [and telling us that] the best we can do is empower government to make our decisions for us,” he said. “That leads to terrible things like socialism and communism and fascism and Nazism and the more extreme forms of liberalism in this country.

“The country is ready to embrace creationism,” he added. “The numbers don’t lie.”

Knight has based this belief on a recent study from Pew Research that found that the percentage of Republicans who believe in evolution has dropped from 54 percent in 2009, to 43 percent today. “The Republicans have a great opportunity to say ‘Look, we’ve witnessed the collapse of a lot of lies that liberals have told over the years, and now we’re questioning evolution more than ever as a basis for people’s worldviews,’” he said. “By officially rejecting evolution, Republicans are positioning themselves at the forefront of this wave.”

While Priebus did not say that belief in evolution would be a disqualification for any candidate wishing to run as a Republican, he urged all elected GOP officials who have not embraced creationism to consider switching their views. “Just take a look deep in your hearts and ask yourself one simple question. Do you want to be primaried by a Tea Partier?”