Republicans to Embrace Socially Conservative Immigrant Population “Despite Brownness”

WASHINGTON – Republican leaders recently accepted the need to court a rapidly increasing Hispanic population despite the GOP’s deep-seated distrust of “newness in general and brown people of all kinds.” The Republican Party has historically displayed animosity towards “those people” who are generally characterized as “coming in and taking our jobs.” However, after the disappointing election results in November, conservatives have had to take stock and recognize the value of a group of people, “however brown they may be.”

Congressman Paul Ryan has “become hopeful” about the GOP’s potential transition into a party Hispanic voters might remotely consider. “Look, we really didn’t think we were going to have anything in common with these guys. But while these folks may not look like Real Americans on the outside, many of them hold conservative values on the inside. Turns out, the fastest growing voting bloc in America is actually chock full of Catholics and evangelical Christians! All we have to do now is convince them that abortions and gay marriages are way worse than the way we’ve historically treated people of color in general and immigrants in particular, and boom! Back on top.”

While a strategically sound move for continuing the party’s viability, conservative base members in border states like Arizona are strongly resisting the shift. Republican leader and former presidential candidate John McCain faced an angry crowd during a Town Hall meeting this week as his former supporters asked him why they should consider immigration reform and why he was backing off “the dang fence.” McCain responded by explaining in plain terms the rationale behind the abrupt shift on his immigration reform policies: “Look, it’s not like I think Mexicans deserve basic human rights,” the Senator explained. “I’d love for them to get searched on every street corner as much as you would, visa or no visa. But this last election saw a democratic president, gays getting married, and legal pot all over the place. We need to get practical: pandering to an influx of socially conservative, God-fearing immigrants is the only possible course of action that could save our asses.”

Arizona is not alone, however. Republicans have found that convincing the conservative base to shift their stance on immigration has been “slow going nationwide” due to the “rampant racism and xenophobia” for which the party is known. Registered Republican and “End-Times Expert” Jasper Martin explained during a protest outside of the RNC that “Mexicans ain’t gonna save the Grand Old Party. We won’t get bailed out by some goddamn ‘seasonal laborers.’ That’s just offensive.”