Republicans Vow to Filibuster Filibuster Reform

WASHINGTON–Amidst a heated debate, Republicans announced their plan to filibuster the filibuster reform proposed by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Republicans believe filibuster reform diminishes the voice of the senate minority, further ignites bi-partisan tensions and renders the Senate inefficient.

“In the name of efficiency, we cannot let them take away the efficiency tool we efficiently use to make the Democrats look inefficient,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

The filibuster is available to the Senate minority party to halt or prevent a vote from coming to fruition. It’s considered an obstruction to partisan negotiations and has been used, according to Reid, 386 times in the six years he has been Senate majority leader.

“Six years. 386 times. That’s a whole lot of solo Mancala,” said Reid.

Under his reform, Reid wants to ban the use of filibusters to prevent debates and the House-Senate committee from meeting. The filibuster was once referred to as “talking out the bill” and Reid is considering making senators do just that. As of now, a minority senator has to relay intent to filibuster without actually having to head to the Senate floor for discussion.

With the GOP’s vow to filibuster the filibuster reform, Democrats are up in arms.

“The American people know we have been unable to do anything in the Senate due to Republican abuse of the filibuster. Our souls of uselessness are bleeding into one another like watercolors on wet newspaper,” said Senator Majority Whip Dick Durbin, who wrote an entire book of poetry entitled Whip Dick during a Senatorial stalemate.

The Republicans, however, are not willing to budge.

“At this point, Americans expect us to say the word ‘filibuster’ more than we say the names of our own children. Filibuster. Filibuster. Say it three times fast,” said McConnell. “Filibuster. Filibuster. Filibuster. Is that it? I’ve said it so much it’s starting to sound like a fake word.”