RGIII Asks for Trade on Gift Registry

ASHBURN, Va. — After his Bed Bath & Beyond wedding gift registry went viral and was filled mostly by fans, Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III, aka “RGIII,” has stated that had he known so many people would be willing to give him anything he wanted, he would have asked for a trade.

Speaking to a gathering of reporters at a Redskins’ offseason workout, Griffin thanked the throngs of people who bought he and his fiancée a gift even though they were not invited to the July 6 wedding. However, he stated that if he knew that members of the Washington coaching staff and front office were going to be amongst them, he probably would have tailored his registry accordingly.

“Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate that me and [fiancée] Rebecca [Liddicoat] now have our entire flatware set complete, but if I knew [Redskins President] Dan Snyder was going to see to it that he gave me a present, I would have asked him to have me traded to a team he doesn’t own.”  Griffin then went on to cite Snyder’s history of charging fans for tailgating space, his cartoonish mismanagement of the roster and the coaching staff’s insistence that he play a playoff game with a torn ACL as reasons he would have amended his wish list.

Washington head coach Mike Shannahan and his son, Offensive Coordinator Kyle Shannahan, have elected to go off-registry for Griffin. “I know people hate it when you do that,” said Mike Shannahan, as his son put the finishing touches on a specially prepared binder. “But we thought the happy couple would really appreciate a new offensive game plan that doesn’t involve simply snapping the ball to Reggie, and the rest of the team just praying to God that he can somehow make something positive happen.”

The fulfillment of the registry, however, has led to great consternation amongst the wedding attendees. Chris Addison, Liddicoat’s first cousin, feels particularly at a loss. “I was going to get them the can opener and non-stick panini press. What the hell am I going to do now? Get him the QB job on a team not owned by a guy who sues his own season ticket holders? I’m a claims adjuster!

“Maybe I can get him traded in my fantasy league,” added Addison. “But I don’t think he’s going to give a shit if he’s no longer on The Offsides Kick.”

RGIII also added that in lieu of gifts, he encouraged the general public to sign the petition to change the Redskins name to something “slightly less racist.’”