DALLAS – “Dallas can become the Hollywood of the faith-and-family movie market,” said an ecstatic Rick Santorum after being named CEO of the Christian movie company EchoLight Studios. “I know I leave every big budget blockbuster thinking, ‘Wow, there was way too much sex and violence and not enough reflective prayer.’”
EchoLight already has three original films slated for release, but the former Republican senator and presidential hopeful would like to remake what he believes to be “sodomite-laden classics” to better reflect the sensibilities of American Christians.
“I never understood why the two strapping males in Brokeback Mountain had to be gay,” said Santorum earnestly. “We are thinking about remaking the film and calling it Jesus Shotgun Mountain.” In Sanatorum’s version of the film, two cowboys would proudly, and in a masculine fashion, find God while sleeping in different tents curled up with their shotguns.
“We would also like to mention how abortion is murder in that one,” Santorum made clear, “but we haven’t figured a way to work it into the script yet.”
Sanatorum, who once accused the Obama Administration of preferring pornographers over children and families, would also like to remake Pretty Woman. In Santorum’s Christian Woman, Julia Roberts’s character would not be a street walker but rather a street evangelizer or, as Santorum dubbed the character, “a divine prostitute.” The Richard Gere character would be a successful mega-church pastor played by Kirk Cameron, the Growing Pains actor-turned noted evangelist.
“Can you imagine the potential?” the EchoLight CEO said. “Audiences would be exposed to all the sexiness of a faith-based courtship, without any of the blasphemous additions of Hollywood.”
Santorum expressed interest in getting some star power behind the remakes. The EchoLight website already proudly boasts of having the less than famous Patrick Warburton signed to appear in a film. “If we can get more D-list celebrities to get on board, we’ll be in business,” added a probably delusional Santorum.
8 comments
This is really funny but sadly there are millions of very ignorant people inAmerican that will gladly watch that bullshit,,, Maybe Rick will get sick of Chick Filet & Papa John Pizza & get the hell out of Los Angeles…
I can see the future of these movies. Gag white elephant gifts and the bargin video bins at small church run thrift stores. I had one lady try to convince me that Focus on the Family films were in theatres nationwide. I told her, “So god’s going to look the other way on your lies if I watch this movie?”
That will suck these stupid bastards wallets dry real fast.
I like the little button to show which parts of the story are facts.
The things this Reich wing crackpot is saying about classic movies should show even the most ignorant ones among us that he is one of the most dangerous fools on the planet today.
Y’all do realize this is satire, right? Just because it’s not the Onion doesn’t make it true. Yes, Rick Santorum and EchoLight movies exist, but the rest is fiction.
This is a really dumb idea… Just saying…
He sure has some purty lips.