Rival Networks Jealous of CNN’s Free Publicity for Pro-Rapist Remarks

STEUBENVILLE, Ohio — Cable news network executives are doing some serious soul-searching this week after rival network CNN capitalized on unprofessional and offensive pro-rapist comments by their on-air personalities at the verdict of the horrific Stubenville teenage rape case, turning these unprofessional and widely-criticized remarks into ratings gold.

“When I first heard [CNN anchor] Candy [Crowley] voice sympathy for the two boys, I wanted to throw up in my mouth,” admitted MSNBC President Phil Griffin. “Then when I saw how it was all anyone could talk about for the next 24 hours, I actually did. Talk about a missed opportunity for MSNBC.”

Crowley has been roundly hammered in the press and on social media for saying, among other things, “You know, Paul, a 16 year old now just sobbing in court, regardless of what big football players they are, still sound like 16 year olds… What’s the lasting effect, though, on two young men being found guilty in juvenile court of rape, essentially?”

As bad as Crowley’s comment was received, it garnered nowhere near the incredulity of an earlier statement by CNN correspondent Poppy Harlow standing outside the juvenile court as the verdict was announced and pouring out her heart over the fate of the two young convicted rapists. “It was incredibly emotional—incredibly difficult even for an outsider like me to watch what happened as these two young men that had such promising futures, star football players, very good students, literally watched as they believe their life fell apart,” she said.

“As a woman, I am completely offended by Ms. Harlow’s remark,” said Fox News on-air personality Megyn Kelly. “But as a reporter, I’ve got to tip my hat. I mean before this, who even knew who Poppy Harlow was? Don’t be shocked if she comes out of this with a book deal. Bitch.”

“The idea that anyone would paint two boys who literally hauled a drunk girl from party to party while repeatedly raping her throughout the night in a favorable light was unfathomable,” admitted Fox News on-air personality Jon Scott. “We figured we had a good two or three days to get our Pro-Rapist editorial out there. We were caught completely unprepared.”

“After all the horrible stories, the cell phone videos, the humiliating pictures up on social media, the deranged things these two high school football players did to that poor girl, for our competitors to focus on the plight of the rapists was a true eye-opener.” Said Haslinda Amin, news correspondent and anchor for Bloomberg TV. “I’d kill for that kind of publicity.”

“It was a tasteless, cruel thing to say,” said Sheikh Hamad bin Thamer Al Thani, whose Qatar-based news organization Al Jazeera purchased Current TV in January 2013 and is preparing to enter the American market. “I think there is a lesson for us all here. And that is that being in favor of rapists makes for a lot of very bad publicity. A lot. A whole lot.”

“And we’re going to need all the publicity we can get when we launch Al Jezeera America,” he added.