RNC Adopts Simpler ‘9-9-9’ Presidential Nominating Process

WASHINGTON — In an effort to streamline what has in the past proven to be an especially drawn-out and self-destructive presidential nominating process, the National Republican Committee voted to limit the number of states and electors participating in the 2016 primaries and caucuses.

Party chairman Reince Priebus praised the move, noting, “We have been saying for months that we were no longer going to sit around and allow ourselves to slice and dice for six months.”

Instead, the next Republican presidential nominee will be chosen by only a handful of states—nine to be exact—with a matching number of delegates preselected to cast their vote in each of those states based on party loyalty, skin color, and donor potential.

“We’re getting back to this party’s roots,” said Priebus, “a party Strom Thurmond would be proud of.”

The entire process will take nine days, beginning with the traditional “first-in-the-nation” Iowa and New Hampshire caucus and primary, respectively. The seven other states can commence their voting beginning March 1.

Herman Cain, himself a failed 2012 presidential contender and pizza magnate, proposed the new plan to the RNC after admitting frustration with the crop of “tutti-fruitti flavors of the week” that have dominated and decimated recent crops of Republican hopefuls.

“You can bet that the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan isn’t chosen by asking each and every member of the public whom they like best. If they did, they’d end up with a weak-willed loser rather than a forceful autocrat. The answer is to shrink the base and purify the system.”

The changes passed the 168-member committee with overwhelming support and only nine dissenting votes.

Despite his prominent role in revising the nominating process, Cain will not get a vote during the actual primary season, as his home state—Georgia—is not among the nine voting states, which include the whitest states in the nation.

“To be honest, Herman doesn’t exactly match the tone of a traditional GOP delegate, now does he?” asked RNC member Lucille Grace.

Still to be decided are the important questions of when and where to hold the Republican convention. On the table are dates as early as June, which would give the nominee more time to use general election funds, and cities like Las Vegas, in which those funds can be used for gambling, paying prostitutes, and settling inevitable sexual harassment suits.