TORONTO – Amid swirling rumors of a video showing him smoking crack, the York University Sociology Department confessed that the entire political career of Rob Ford is simply an elaborate study measuring just how much the Canadian public is willing to put up with from an elected official.
York Sociology Chairman Harold Crittenden told reporters that the idea for the study began over a decade ago after a few drinks and an off-the-cuff wager. “Me and [professor Janice] Abernathy were knocking back a few, and we got to talking about the famous Canadian Politeness. I said we would put up with absolutely anything from anyone, and she said the line is drawn at boorish politicians. By the end of the night ‘Rob Ford’ was born.
After casting a local actor and scripting a compelling backstory, ‘Rob Ford’ ran for and won a seat on the Toronto City Council in 2000. By 2002 the study was in full swing with Ford openly suggesting that homeless people be lynched. After a muted public response, Crittenden had ‘Ford’ push the envelope further in subsequent years by intimating that only homosexuals and IV drug users contracted AIDS, claiming that cyclists killed by cars had ‘only themselves to blame’, and a 2006 incident where he drunkenly accosted a couple at a Toronto Maple Leafs game. The couple was able to identify ‘Ford’ on account that he left them his business card.
The even tempered Canadian demeanor, however, refused to give way. “I was concerned that the stakes were too low. No one really cared all that much about a single city councilman.” To rectify this, ‘Ford’ ran for the mayor’s office in 2010. To Crittendon’s surprise he won. To his further surprise, the pattern of reckless behavior exhibited by ‘Ford’, including being recorded asking what the street value of OxyContin ‘for a friend’, has gotten him removed from office. Just two months ago ‘Ford’ was asked to leave a military ball for being drunk, and is now embroiled in the current crack controversy. Professor Abernathy firmly believes this should be the final case file for the study. “I mean really,” said Abernathy “if sucking on the glass dick isn’t going to light a fire under these sedate hosers, we should pretty much stop trying.”
“I really hope this is the last straw,” said Crittenden. “Personally, I think this experiment has gone on long enough, but as a social scientist, I am obliged to see it through to conclusion. Please people, get outraged. The next test case is him actually murdering someone on live television.”
Crittenden also added that the amount of the wager is, appropriately enough, one Canadian loony.