Recently on “The 700 Club,” Pat Robertson railed against America’s “culture of death” that “delights in killing people,” warning that God will soon punish America for making abortion legal. Robertson said that “we have to look at the spiritual roots” of abortion rights, blaming it on Satan: “The enemy of our soul is Satan and he hates people, he hates human beings and the idea is if humans can kill other humans, the devil wants to do everything to help it.”
“And let me just say for the record – I have never forced any girl I was with to have an abortion, nor have I attempted to perform the gruesome act myself, unlike some sinners I know. They don’t believe in doctors, and they thought it’d be a good idea to try to perform a DIY abortion at home. You can probably guess how that turned out,” he argued. “The point I’m trying to make here is – things have got to change and things have got to change right now. Not tomorrow, not a week or month or year from now – right this second.”
However, when a listener called in and asked the host why he’s become more and more vocal about the issue of sin recently, which is to say, more so than usual, the televangelist had an interesting reply. He told the listener that “it’s not fair that I and other religious leaders pay the price for the sins that other people commit.” When asked to elaborate, Robertson argued that “if things don’t change in America pretty soon, he and countless other religious shepherds will soon be degraded to the level of the very sinners they’re attempting to steer back onto the path of righteousness.”
“Let me put it this way,” Robertson said. “God, in His infinite wisdom, is kind and forgiving. He knows that when a sinner commits a sin, it is not his fault. He does so because he doesn’t know any other way. However, because our existence in this universe is based on the principle of balance, for every sin there must, consequentially, be an equal punishment. And who does our good Lord decide to punish? Mostly me and other leaders, because the failure of the sinner is the failure of his leader, which is to say, yours truly.”
“More precisely, every time the heinous act of homosexual sex takes place, every time a baby dies because of an abortion, every time anyone does anything contrary to Christianity, God sees it fit to send me less and less money from my followers, he inflicts a disease on me, like crabs or chlamydia or something. And no, these don’t have anything to do with the many female members of my flock who lose their way and come to me seeking solace and guidance,” Robertson added.
“Like I said,” he continued, “the universe works on balance, so for every gay sex that occurs, it is my job to balance things out with a normal, straight intercourse. And while we’re on the subject, there are a lot, really a lot of women who have lost their way. Tending to and comforting all of them is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it, and there is no room to take a break when doing God’s work.”
“But, the point is – even though I am an old man by modern standards, and despite the fact that I work out every day and stay in shape, there are just too many young women who need comforting for just one man to handle, even if that man is me. Therefore, the only solution is for you, dear listeners and followers, to stop committing sins and persuade those around you to do the same. That’s the only way we’ll be able to obtain salvation when we die and are placed before the Gates of Eden,” the surprisingly nimble televangelist concluded.
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“Like I said,” he continued, “the universe works on balance, so for every gay sex that occurs, it is my job to balance things out with a normal, straight intercourse.”
” And while we’re on the subject, there are a lot, really a lot of women who have lost their way. Tending to and comforting all of them is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it, and there is no room to take a break when doing God’s work.”
So, Pat, let me get this straight! You have straight intercourse with your troubled flock every time someone has gay sex?
“Like I said,” he continued, “the universe works on balance, so for every gay sex that occurs, it is my job to balance things out with a normal, straight intercourse.”
” And while we’re on the subject, there are a lot, really a lot of women who have lost their way. Tending to and comforting all of them is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it, and there is no room to take a break when doing God’s work.”
So, Pat, let me get this straight! You have straight intercourse with your troubled flock every time someone has gay sex?
“More precisely, every time the heinous act of homosexual sex takes place, every time a baby dies because of an abortion, every time anyone does anything contrary to Christianity, God sees it fit to send me less and less money from my followers, he inflicts a disease on me, like crabs or chlamydia or something. And no, these don’t have anything to do with the many female members of my flock who lose their way and come to me seeking solace and guidance,” Robertson added.
Did I give Pat chlamydia? 🙂
“More precisely, every time the heinous act of homosexual sex takes place, every time a baby dies because of an abortion, every time anyone does anything contrary to Christianity, God sees it fit to send me less and less money from my followers, he inflicts a disease on me, like crabs or chlamydia or something. And no, these don’t have anything to do with the many female members of my flock who lose their way and come to me seeking solace and guidance,” Robertson added.
Did I give Pat chlamydia? 🙂
Has he had chlamydia? What IS chlamydia anyway? Has he ever had crabs?
Has he had chlamydia? What IS chlamydia anyway? Has he ever had crabs?
This is just Pat Robertson realizing his religion is dying and that he has to make up bullshit for it to continue to be relavent in society today.
This is just Pat Robertson realizing his religion is dying and that he has to make up bullshit for it to continue to be relavent in society today.
fuck is that man a rich fucking moron
fuck is that man a rich fucking moron
When Pat Robertson railed against America’s “culture of death…” I thought he was talking about the endless, unfunded, wars started by the previous administration based on lies. My bad. He went oiff on a different tangent.
When Pat Robertson railed against America’s “culture of death…” I thought he was talking about the endless, unfunded, wars started by the previous administration based on lies. My bad. He went oiff on a different tangent.
It has nothing to do with televangelists… people are given FREE WILL.
I think this man is losing his grip of reality, saying ppl are blaming him. YOU ARE NOT GOD, Mr. Robertson. God sees all sin the same, even yours Mr.Robertson. You can’t make ppl listen to you.
<– holding down the 6 set… hi robertson you've just made a lot of enemies LOL /horns
<– holding down the 6 set… hi robertson you've just made a lot of enemies LOL /horns
If “god” is omnipotent why can’t he kill “Satan” and make the world a better place?
If “god” is omnipotent why can’t he kill “Satan” and make the world a better place?
“More precisely, every time the heinous act of homosexual sex takes place, every time a baby dies because of an abortion, every time anyone does anything contrary to Christianity, God sees it fit to send me less and less money from my followers, he inflicts a disease on me, like crabs or chlamydia or something.”
WHAT, you doddering old coot? What in hell are you talking about? We are all responsible for our OWN lives and our OWN sins. The bit about money though…. THAT was the clincher.. It’s ALL about the money with these ‘snake oil salesmen’ televangelists.. OMG!! Folks are sinning, and you are not getting as much money from your flock, Pat? Here’s a heads up, you hypocritical, senile asshole…, maybe your so called “flock” are FINALLY seeing you for the lying, hypocritical, non-Christian charlatan that you REALLY are! You, Graham, and others like you are nothing more than a fraud and a sham and should be jailed for perpetuating one of the BIGGEST SCAMS in this nation’s history. LIAR~! CHARLATAN!!! HYPOCRITE!!! SNAKE OIL SALESMAN!!
This was just crazy enough to be real! I had to double check that Newslo is satire with a little news attached. I’m not sure how much a stretch is was but it sure had me for a minute.