Rogaine Backs Romney-Ryan Ticket

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson has issued a statement claiming that Rogaine, one of its subsidiaries, has officially backed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Rumors contend that the endorsement came complete with a seven-figure donation to the campaign and a lifetime supply of the hair-growth supplement.

Sources within Rogaine claim that, while the company has never before taken a political stance, the thick-haired team of Romney and Ryan provided an unusual opportunity.

“You couldn’t really have done this in 2008,” one source says, “when McCain is bald, Obama is buzzed, Biden – well, I can’t even remember if he has hair, or even what he looks like, really – and Palin’s a woman.”

Both Romney and Ryan, however, have what the source calls “epic,” “legendary” and “fucking phenomenal” heads of hair that cannot be ignored. The source told Newslo that politics is a game of image, and that in many people’s minds, the sleekness and body of the Republican ticket’s hair lends itself to a better image than that of the Democrat incumbents.

The source also previewed Rogaine’s first endorsement ad, which will make its formal premiere in late October. The ad asks viewers, “If Barack Obama can’t even grow a full head of hair, how can we expect him to grow our economy?”