BELMONT, Mass. — One week after the election, Governor Mitt Romney is still scratching his head as to why the “dependent, lazy, unwashed masses” saw fit to vote for his opponent over him.
“I don’t get it,” confessed a despondent Romney. “What did I do wrong to turn off these mouth-breathing poverty-dwellers? Was it my flag pin? Is it because I’m Mormon? Why didn’t those slack-jawed Spam-eaters and welfare queens vote for me?”
After leading a two-year campaign which managed to marginalize women, gays, the poor, and immigrants, Romney was only able to secure 47.6 percent of the popular vote come Election Day, finishing a full three points behind the incumbent president.
“I’m not a conspiracy theorist,” said Karl Rove during an appearance on “The O’Reilly Factor” Thursday night, “but there’s got to be something fishy with the math here. Mitt is a likeable guy. He’s never held onto a position long enough for someone to oppose his platform. Voter fraud is the only real explanation.”
But other conservatives have an alternative hypothesis for Mitt’s underwhelming numbers. “It’s this entitled country,” alleges tax-policy expert and conservative guru Grover Norquist. “Everyone just wants to sleep until noon and live off the successes of hard-working American job-creators,” said Norquist. “If there’s one problem with Democracy, it’s the voters.”
Romney’s unexpected defeat has forced many Republicans to reanalyze the party’s dominant campaigning paradigm. “This is a wake-up call,” said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades. “Time was, you called huge swaths of the voting public ‘leeches’ and ‘sluts,’ and they’d vote for you. This truly is a new chapter in American politics.”
The one option Romney is not entertaining is that his condescending, out of touch attitude about the majority of Americans is to blame for his less-than-stellar performance. “That doesn’t make any sense,” said Romney when reached for comment. “Why couldn’t someone write off 95% of the country and still win the popular vote? It’s gotta be something else.”