BELMONT, Mass. – My fellow Americans,

I would like to thank you for the support I have received throughout my campaign for the presidency. While it did not lead to the desired result, I still believe I have contributed to the political discourse in this great nation, and I have the support of millions to thank for that.

It’s getting closer and closer to winter, so all the flip-flops maybe weren’t the best idea. It’s a bit cold for that, I’ll admit. Cloaking my impassioned nature in the veil of a strange religious robot might not have been the best approach either. I am a man of passion, America, a man who stands by my beliefs. And though too few of you agreed with those beliefs, it seems, I stand by them now more than ever. To the Americans who voted for me, I thank you. For those moochers and oafs, eating government cheese and worshipping a satanic socialist Kenyan-born god who doesn’t want to use the money of the poor to pay the rich for, well, just being rich – to you I say only that I hope you see the light before it’s too late.

To my supporters, who have given me so, so much, I want you to know: rest assured, my work will not end here. There’s always 2016, and if Governor Christie keeps eating the way he does, he’ll probably have a cardiac infarction one of these days, so maybe the door will still be open for me in the GOP.

Either way, I promise that, as I have done every night of this campaign, when I kneel down to pray to my god for the health and prosperity of my family, and for the eradication of queers and women from the workplace, I will also – I swear to you this, America – I will also pray, as I have always prayed, for the return of the Bush era.

Once again, I, the most devoted servant of my country and my god, Lord Kromdor, thank you.