Romney Gives Yankees 5 Point Plan to Win ALCS

BRONX, N.Y. – In a great display of magnanimity and generosity, Mitt Romney gave a speech directly to Yankees manager Joe Girardi this morning. Governor Romney prefaced the speech by reminding voters of how he won the Salt Lake City Olympics and of how his masterful strategic prowess can reinvigorate even the most dire of business situations. 
“Well, I’ll tell you what I would do, Mr. Girardi,” said Romney, as though speaking to a child. “I would implement my Five Point Plan to get this struggling system back on track. Here are the details.” Romney then listed off the five comprehensive bullet-points that comprise the elaborate plan:
1. Win the majority of the games in the series.
2. Consistently score more runs than the Tigers.
3. Keep the Tigers from scoring as many runs as you do.
4. Win the series.
5. Play better baseball than the Tigers.
With a smug look directly into the camera, Romney concluded by saying, “You’re welcome, New York, and I look forward to the parade after the World Series.” He then walked off the stage, but not before reminding New York voters that he would have let the Detroit Tigers go bankrupt.