CLEVELAND — New leaked footage of presidential candidate Mitt Romney reveals the shocking discovery that he may actually support basic human rights.
The video, which prompted five Fox News reporters to endorse Gary Johnson, shows a twisted side to the bourgeois tyrant that the American people thought they knew. During the course of the video, Romney claims that everyone, even the poor, should have access to clean, affordable, and adequate healthcare.
“This is like a slap in the face to the 53% of Americans who know they will never get sick or be in an accident,” claims outraged non-voter Mercy Hope, 66. “When Romney said I shouldn’t be murdered so my sweet, sweet Medicaid could be freed up for corporate tax cuts, I was stunned. Simply. Stunned.”
Furthermore, Romney accidentally fumbled during a speech by admitting that he believes that everyone should have equal access to education and opportunities for social mobility. The exact quote is unknown since the unholy blasphemy was swept into a fetid ominous breeze that eventually created Hurricane Sandy, but lip reading analysts believe it was either, “Make college and job training more affordable for all Americans,” or “Chocolate Nipple Fuzzy Mountain.” Either way, Romney’s unquestionably evil stance on equal rights has permanently alienated his once solid voter base.
“I’m tired of us producers having to pay for the weak and stupid moochers in this country,” claims Britney Stenson, who then described how she used family contacts to land her first job and easily paid off her interest-free, government-subsidized college loan from a respected, inexpensive university, then used federal disability insurance to bootstrap her way back to health when she fell down the stairs of her modest but affordable home.
Two weeks ago, large business owner Steven Michaels was threatening to fire his entire staff if Romney did not win. Now, he does not even see the point. “He’s just another soft liberal who thinks everyone is entitled to medicine and food,” Michaels mumbled around the grapes being fed to him by his slave girls. “I bet he believes everyone should have a standard of living that affords them basic human dignity too.”
Romney’s campaign has already issued statements on the alleged inhuman non-hate platform by stating that Romney was misquoted and doesn’t actually believe that all Americans should have access to affordable preventive medication, and was merely joking about poor people deserving food. Mere days before the election, voters in many battleground states remain cautious voting for someone who would even joke about something like that.