Romney to Sell Wife’s Horse to Glue Company After Olympic Loss

BELMONT, Mass. — Rafalca, a warm-blooded mare and dressage horse co-owned by Mitt Romney’s wife Anne, has found herself in the middle of a bidding war between three major glue companies. The Presidential candidate denies that the decision to auction off the mare, which cost Mrs. Romney and co-owner Jan Ebeling roughly $100,000, arose from a need to distance himself from a sense of perceived Republican “elitism.”

Instead, Romney told a tearful Anne that Rafalca is being put up for sale as a consequence of her disappointing Olympic performance. Romney failed to witness his wife’s horse compete in the London Olympics this summer, where the mare finished 28th place in the dressage event and did not advance to the next round.

“We are Romneys,” he told a sobbing Anne as glue factory representatives came to the Romney estate to cart Rafalca away. “And if I’m going to be President, we can’t be associated with someone who can’t win. A horse that cost a hundred grand and can’t win a gold medal is bad enough, but 28th place? Forget it.”

The bidding war’s frontrunner is Elmer’s Glue Inc., who hopes their campaign will resonate with supporters of Romney and his conservative platform. “We’re looking forward to brutally slaughtering Rafalca and melting down her hooves into glue,” says an Elmer’s spokesperson. “We are confident that Rafalca will perform better at adhering papers and other items than she did as a living, breathing, Olympic dressage horse.”

Aides close to Romney revealed that the administration of Rafalca’s corpse is in also dispute between multiple major corporations as well. Two mystery meat companies, Oscar Meyer and Hormel, are currently in talks with Romney over the horse’s meat and offal rights.