Russia, DreamWorks Set to Film Snowden’s Life in Airport Transit Zone, Entitle It ‘The Terminal 2’

MOSCOW — Despite American attempts to extradite Edward Snowden, who has resided in the transit zone of Moscow’s Sheremetyevo Airport since Sunday, Russian President Vladimir Putin has remained steadfast in his refusal to grant the wishes of Snowden’s home country, citing Russia’s lack of an extradition treaty with America as a reason for its refusal to cooperate. 

Putin continued, “It goes beyond that, actually. We’re not releasing him from the airport period. He’s too valuable in there.” When asked to expound, Putin revealed that he’d been in negotiations with DreamWorks, and had agreed with the studio that Snowden’s limbo status in the transit zone would be the perfect subject for a documentary-style sequel to “that airport movie with the ‘Forrest Gump’ guy.”

“I feel like a freaking zoo animal with these cameras on me,” Snowden said. Snowden, who arrived Sunday on a flight from Hong Kong, booked a Havana-bound flight as the first leg of a trip to Ecuador, the only country to which he’s applied for asylum. But he never boarded the plane. “I really should’ve gotten on that flight.”

Airport travelers who’ve witnessed Snowden firsthand aren’t so impressed with the film idea. “To be honest, this guy is kind of boring,” said Dmitri Konstantin, a Russian who’s been in the transit zone since Monday night. “All he does is eat at TGI Friday’s. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. And always with the mozzarella sticks. Tell me, why do I want to see a movie about a guy eating mozzarella sticks?”

Becky Jenssen from Houston shared similar sentiments. “Maybe I don’t get it. I mean yea, he leaked all this top secret info. And he’s an international criminal. But all I’ve seen him do since he’s been here is sit in the corner and maybe pick his nose once in a while. He’s definitely no Tom Hanks.”

But despite growing criticism, Putin says will forge ahead with his plans. “It’s always been my dream to make a movie.”

Putin also denied reports that Russia and Ecuador had been in discussions for days about where Snowden could go from Moscow. “He won’t be leaving any time soon,” Putin said. When asked for a specific duration, Putin demurred, saying, “days… weeks… months, I can’t say. I want to see his character arc before we decide.”